Explanation

A while back, on twitter, I posted about 'some days just needing 'one''. (I wanted to use the direct quote, but I couldn't find it :P) Well, I didn't say what it was because I didn't want it to change how people act around and to me. But, In my current, drugged state, I have deemed it wise (which is parodoxyl because I just got my wisdom teeth taken out :P).







Well, what I meant by 'one' was a hug. Thre, I said it. Yeah, hugs are nice, but I'm just kind of the guy who doesn't get hugged. I'm not sure why, maybe I come off as not liking being hugged, or maybe I'm just not 'huggable'. I'll never know. But, there's my drugged rant for the day.



I decided to add this shortly after- Do you know what's nice? Just talking to people. It doesn't matter about what, but just having a conversation with somebody can just brighten up a day, and so I feel very lucky to have friends who are actually willing to talk to me (:P haha)

Things of which you shall see

So, I was thinking about why I don't care and a bunch about myself, so, basically a bunch of self-reflection and such. Well, I think I realized why I am so apathetic about everything. I think it's because, when I do feel emotions, I feel them very strongly. And when I get very emotional (meaning just feeling emotions very strongly) I loose control of myself. My throat tightens, and my eyes moisten, when I'm mad, sad, etc. I've grown afraid of myself and my feelings, and so I've repressed them. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder what, and how many, mental illnesses I have. I'm starting to think I have mild bipolarness, depression, and maybe others. Yeah, I understand that it's probably just hormonal unbalances due to puberty and such. But, still. Mental illnesses are genetic, and my grandpa had one, I have cousins that have had some, so, I wonder if I've hit the jackpot of being messed up.



Yesterday was... interesting. (Yesterday being December 16, 2011). I told myself I would be happy, and for the beginning I was. I tried to keep a smile on my face, even though it's harder for me because my face is so unaccustomed to it, and I did alright. Then in English, after my vocab test, I tried to sleep (unsuccessfully) and my thoughts wandered, which is never a good thing. And then for some explainable reason, I crashed, burned, and fell into Tartarus in a matter of seconds. I don't know why, and I probably won't. But, it was horrible. I was cast into a bout of depression I haven't felt for a long time, if ever. And the weirdest part I didn't know why. Usually I know why I'm feeling the way I am when I'm like that, and I usually have a reason, but, I didn't this time. It was horrible, and I was not in the mood for being around people, which I had to because it was my family Christmas party. But, when the two biggest families on that side have other things that they are doing, it makes a smaller crowd, which was nice, and so by the end of the day I started feeling better. But, it was the worst I have ever felt, and I think it was made worse by the fact I didn't have a reason for it.



Do you know what's nice? Friends that understand how things are, and have very similar thought process's as you. Friends that you can talk about girls, and they understand where your coming from and visa versa. Friends like that are pretty awesome, and I'm glad I have one like Calvin. He helped me feel better, or better understand, the way things are, and just so you all know, he is pretty fantastic.


That is all.

The eyes of confusion

So, this is going to be a very... interesting (?) post. More of a rant really.



Random spaces to make it so what I'm going to say, which could be found offensive, isn't the first thing you see

































You know what is very annoying? Awesome girls. I mean, honestly, could you stop being so awesome all the time? That way guys (like me) don't have as many things to worry about. Stop messing with our heads and hearts (intentionally or unintentionally) and let us have a respite. Please? Like, really, pretty please with a inch-thick layer of chocolate on top?


Anyways, life is pretty confusing. Understandably, because if someone understood it, they would have written a 'How To' guide and made millions. But, I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure who I am, and I'm not sure if I want to find out. I just need to make my decision, and go 'the whole hog' as Huck would say.





I wish I didn't worry so much about what other people think of me. In all honesty, it doesn't really matter, and I need to get over my fear and stop worrying about it. Gosh darn it, why I'm I so dumb?


I feel like I'm stuck in a swamp of self-pity, and, I need to stop looking at the lights, and the dead bodies, and follow Gollum on the paths that are safe. (refer to Lord of the Rings the Twin Towers)

I really don't know what I'm saying... I'm kinda just prolonging the inevitability of me getting off and doing dishes, and posting this.

You know what is awesome? Awesome friends. Somehow I got stuck with friends that actually care. How that happened, I have no idea, but, I won't complain about my luck. Speaking of luck, I try not to trust in it, because I seem to have bad luck, and I'd rather not rely on that too much, right?

Well, that's about all I can really say, and I'm lucky I said this much (:P), but, I guess that's it.

If you made it to the end, I think you deserve a gold star. So now go do something with your life, don't stick stuff in peoples ears (because, at least for me, I know I don't have signs on them saying "Insert something of your choice here!"), and if you're working on a story, go write it instead of reading about my crap :)



































But, if you read this far, you are either a stalker, or a pretty good friend, or a stranger. I'm just going to assume the second, so, I'm ignoring the other two. So, thanks being a good friend, I really do appreciate it, even if I may not show it (which I am sorry about).

I guess that's all the time I can waste now, so, until next time my avid readers, ado. (That's funny because I don't have any avid readers :) haha)

Friek

I don't know what to think anymore. I tired of life, and I just want to give on, and float along through the water, letting the tide carry my body to shore. I wish that I actually felt needed, instead of being just a burden of depression. I just want to understand myself...

I fear this may be a pivotal time in my life, right now, and there is no easy roads. (To roughly paraphrase a quote from Inheritance ). No matter what I do, I fear, it will have repercussions through the rest of my life. I really just need an outlet, and I don't have one.

Life is just freaking hectic, and like I said, I just want to give up.

Friek

Story Time... From my life in the pit

Okay, so these stories are from when I was in the pit in the musical, and it's written collectively by Tyler, Kristianna, and I. You probably won't be able to tell where each person wrote, and I won't separate it, so don't worry about.


First Story)
The princess banged on the door, wishing it would open. She was in desperate need of food, and it was raining. The door remained closed, she looked over her shoulder and saw they were getting close. Running short on hope with the door, she looked around for another means of escape. She opened her utility belt and grabbed her shark repellent can. A hand grasped her mouth, and then everything went black.... (yes, on the paper there were four dots)
She woke in a cold, dark room with cold chains keeping her stationary. The door remained closed. Actually, the door was open, but that didn't matter since she was chained. to keep her mind awake and active, she started singing her favorite song, Nellie the Elephant. She looked down then back up, the chains were now diamonds. Since the door was still open, she took a few diamonds, because she wasn't greedy, and ran out the OPEN door. But, to her dismay, she crashed into an invisible door, and fell on her back, full of dismay. She was pretty dismayed. But then she realized she wasn't dismayed at all, but actually very happy, "Trolled by my own body again... Dangit," emphasizing the dang it with with a fist pound on the ground, which caused the floor to fall, "my," her brain thought, "this is a run on sentence." The princess, May, decided then to escape her prison. But it really wasn't a prison, because hadn't seen any guards. But, shed decided, it was really a prison because, in all technicalities, she was a prisoner.
Using her stealthy Asian powers, she daringly picked the invisible door with a hairpin. Using her Jamacian powers (her family was royalty, so she had many powers) she quickly ran away, going as fast as shed could to jungle, with a trumpity trump, but sadly she forgot to pakcer her trunk.
There she saw a door the seemingly lead to nowere. The door remaind closed, but, the door, oddly enough, lacked a middle, so it was mor like and arch, so she walked through, ignoring the protests of the door handle. Unfortunately, the door didn't really lead anywhere so she continued onward. However, things started to look strang; the trees were warped, there were blue leaves instead of green, as well as bowls of soup floating around. *Intermission Music here (because I'm lazy)* Our feature presentation brought to you by Head On^(R), "Apply directly to the forehead", now, back to your feature presentation.
Asmerelda (actually it's May), the princess, thought to herself "What a LAZY Asian!" And then wondered why she thought it, but it didn't matter, then she tried to figure out why she thought of so many stereotypes all the time. She stalled a bit longer. And then more... And then she saw a sign that said "Magic Elixir This Way! -->", (that's supposed to be an arrow) so she followed the signs for awhile (long enough to take up part of a sentence, but not long enough to be a full sentence) until she reached a courtyard with a pedestal in the center (the pedestal was surrounded by signs saying things like "Here it is") and on that pedestal was a can of Mountain Dew^(trademarked limited/(R)), and it made her mouth water, but she couldn't tell from there what flavor it was (and of course she though about run on sentences again). May drank some Dew. She concluded that it was the flavor of pure awesomeness in a can, then she read the backs of the signs, all of which had signs of warning, saying she would '_Blank_ forever'
May sighed, of course the painter left a blank, that troll; then something on the corner of the sign caught her eye, she examined it and saw that it was a troll face. That was the last thing she ever saw.
SHE WENT BLIND! But she could still see with her ears because she had the uncanny ability to hear everything, and that created pictures in her mind. She saw a gun next to the now empty can of Dew, with a sign saying 'You'll need this', sh she picked it up and shot her self. But it was blank. She was pretty dismayed, and she said "I am disappoint."
She Died


Second Story)

It was a dark and stormy night... never mind, that's to cliche- It was a bright and sunny day in the meadow, bee's were frolicking and rabbits were buzzing. The wind grazed the top of the luscious trees, all of voluminous, rich pines. The flowers were not beginning to blossom; in fact, they were already in FULL blossom. Suddenly, seemingly just to ruin the mood, a large, scaly foot crashed down, crushing the leaping rabbits. The world revolved in a splendid array of color as a joyous ode burst forth from the foots opening, celebrating and basking in the pure glory of The Meadow. The foot smelt band. The plants around the foot wilted and died *Camera zoom out* The owner of the foot was a one-scaly-legged hunkle-stoppe, the poisonous kind. She hopped around proudly displaying the singing limb in her hands, pleased at the purchase she'd garnered. She turned her head, hair flying behind her, with birds nested in the high purchases, and ran back to what she called her home. "Dinner" She stood outside the door, trying to get access to her home, shouting "Dinner!" to tempt those inside to open the door.But to no avail, the door remained closed. However, someone jumped out the window. She sighed glumly. She ran and tackled the robber, punching him until he dropped like a stone. Then, with the clothing from the back of the robber, she mad a fire in which she intended to cook the singing limb, seeing as she couldn't use her kitchen because of secret enchantments put on the house by the robber, whom she killed. So, she sat, as the poisonous limb steamed and bubbled, staring intently into the dancing flames, memories of her past dancing in her eyes, blocking the light of the flame.

"...In a dark night, in the middle of the day, two dead boys stood up to play... With a ball in one hand, a dagger in the other, their play turned deadly towards each other. Their mother thought it was all in play- young Hunkle-Stoppe's often fought with knives. She looked back down and continued her knitting. Her head shot up when a duet of screams broke the morning stillness. Her two boys were laying on the ground, their knives stuck in the others chest. "At least they both laid in rest."
Her food was finished cooking as her last thoughts of a different life played in her mind. She had once vowed that when she came to this planet, she would leave that life of government conspiracies and secrets behind her. She hated the mask of a simpleton she was forced to wear. It weighed her down. Her neighbors had commented about stooped shoulders, seemingly becoming more obvious every day. One day, she snapped.
...

She awoke with a painful, hazy cloud in her mind "What happened?..." Images flooded through her mind, bodies laying on the ground. She snapped out of her haze and examined herself- she was covered in blood. She didn't know who she was, where she came from, what she was doing, what had happened, or what she was going to do. A cat came and started meowing, begging for attention. She shewed it away, it was something about a note... Someone not giving her a note maybe? Yes... she was supposed to deliver a note; in fact, that _was_ her purpose in life. Reaching down into her pocket, she felt it. She pulled out a blank index card. Anger filled the remnants of her soul. Reaching into her pocket, she was dismayed. A door appeared. It was not open.
She Died



Third Story) (There is a rhyme scheme in this... see if you can spot it)

There once was a very large tree named Rock. He enjoyed the view at the dock. For he was an Ash tree growing near the beach. And his loving father always did teach to grow equally up and out, so he would be a strong tree. Years he spent growing tall and stout, a strong Ash others would see. That's where he got his name from, because threes get their names once they are a little older, so their name matches their personality. Rock was happy in his kingdom, but one day a man with an ax on his shoulder, tried to chop Rock down -- Fatality. Fatality for the man of course, his bark was rock hard, and the man's ax broke; the attempt angered Rock, so he strangled the man with one of his roots, squeezing so hard his head pooped off. Rock was please with this new power source, he could break through any guard, and their throats he'd choke; so he left the dock, and saw a peddler, peddling flutes - he was stuck in a trough. Rock offered his assistance, but the man declined. Surprised at his resistance, Rock walked around for others to find. Looking, he sought for those in a bind.

* * * * * *
Late that night, Rock smiled. That day he had done many good deeds, like saving a young child. He'd always enjoyed a good meal. He had always been in the mindset that food had the power to heal. He settled in the shady meadow, blood dripping from his roots. He had torn robbers feet from inside their boots.... He awoke with a start. A torch was pointed at the location of his wooden heart. He saw three spears, one pointed at his appendix, one at his esophagus, and one at his liver. On each mans back was a loaded quiver. "You've murdered our children, our men, and taken our liberties!"
"I did not!" Rocker said, "Now, no more fiberies!"
"What happened to our child, you ruffian?"
"Last I saw he was eating a poppy-seed muffin."
"You've taken him you monster!"
One of the men shouted, "I bet he made him into a custard!"
Rock could not answer because he was so flustered. He could not believe his incredibly horrible luck! The men circled around Rock, chanting "Rjech chake noop, Rjech chake noop."
"You've been duped!" Rock said, panicked,"Duped I say! Duped!"
Then, Rock activated his powers of the pooped! He called them, his 'trees power of soup.' Most of the time he wasn't sure what all he could accomplish, but now he just prayed it would help him kill these foes.
The men continued chanting, "Rock waake upp! Rock wake up! Rock wake up!"
Rock groaned, the jumped up with a "Hup!" "I just had the strangest dream..."

THE END



There's the stories... haha