On the matter of perfection.

Something has been on my mind lately and its been bothering me. What is it? Perfection. I just don't agree with the idea of perfection in general. To me, having perfection as the goal hurts more than it helps, cause every time you get closer, you slide back down. I don't think perfection is an accurate statement/goal/thing/whatever to say as the point in life.

So if not perfection, then what? you say. I think the true goal in life is learning to be happy. Cause when you're happy you want to help others more. When you're happy you accept your imperfections, but know you need to change. When you're happy you can move forward and make progress. Perfection can/will follow happiness, but that's not what we should aim for. Sometimes if you aim to high you try to go over the mountain instead of taking the path up it. You miss everything along the way and you don't grow form it at all.

Sorry. That was my philosophical rant for the day.

Sweethearts

So, yesterday was Sweethearts. It was pretty fun overall. I got to go with one of the coolest girls I know, Kara Winter. I enjoyed it overall. First thing we did was go to Subway for lunch. the food was pretty good, and so that was good.

After Subway we went to the Olympic Oval for ice skating. This was technically my first time ice skating, so it wasn't too great. I fell down pretty hard about forty-ish minutes into it, which ended up causing me to have a headache and to feel kinda dizzy for the rest of the time at the rink. I feel bad though for Kara, and the rest of my group because of me being dumb.

After ice skating we went to a nearby Walmart for a scavenger hunt. That was pretty fun, and Kara and I ended up winning the scavenger hunt, so that made it better :)

(Something we both wanted- toothbrushes :) haha. I also chose this picture to show you my beautiful date :) haha)

After the scavenger hunt we went back to our houses to get ready for the dance. Then once we were all ready we went to Natalie Eddington's house for dinner. We had noodles with a chicken sauce. It was quite delicious :) Afterwards we took some pictures at Natalie's house, then we went to the dance. We got pictures and stuff and then danced. It was alright, but I'm not much of a dancer so, yeah. But it was still fun, and I got to dance with Kara, which was pretty great too. :)

After the dance we went to Kara's house for ice cream, though it ended up being not many people really ate ice cream. We sat around in Kara's basement for a while talking, and then we watched about half of Lion King. That night though was the worst part of the date though. I think Kara either ended up having enough of my dumbness, or I did something to make her mad at me, or something else, but I don't know. But she kinda ended up avoiding me for the rest of the night it seemed. I also was feeling really dumb last night, so I don't know. But I blamed myself last night for her avoiding me, and so I wasn't in the greatest of moods last night. Now I don't know who I blame, but whatever. My only hope is that she doesn't end up hating me because I'm really dumb and lame.

I got home about midnight, and I still wasn't in the greatest of moods and I was really tired. So, I went to bed. But, since I was really mad at myself for being really dumb, I ended up crying a little bit before I went to sleep. Yeah, I cried. Big woop, get over it. But, it's too bad, because crying doesn't really seem to help me feel better anymore, like it did when I cried in like November, the night after Eva's farewell. But it was for completely unrelated reasons, having nothing to do with Eva leaving on a mission, I promise. I was more a build up of stress, anger, and all my other emotions that I keep to myself and I ended up cracking. I felt better for a few days, or weeks or so, after wards. Last time I cried was the 30 of January. That was a hard night before I went to sleep. The reason I was so upset? Because I was trying to gain some self-esteem and I was trying to be able to be comfortable and happy with myself. Pretty sad, huh? Yeah, crying that night didn't really help me feel any better, so the rest of that week was pretty long, and the first couple of days weren't the best. Crying last night didn't really help me feel any better either, so I'm still kinda in that sad/angry at myself emotion thing right now. Plus I'm still really tired, so that doesn't help. But you know what? Whatever. I'm just a big baby and I need to stop hiding my emotions.

I really wish I was able to speak my mind more often. I've just held back my opinions for so long, I have extreme difficulty sharing them now. I also wish I was able to talk easier. I spent most of middle school alone, and without friends really, and so I didn't really talk. And that's made it so I have trouble talking to anyone now. I also wish I had an easier time sharing my emotions. I hate feeling like a burden, and I'm scared of getting hurt. So I hide my emotions, and pretend not to care. I lie to others when they ask me how I am half the time, and I lie to myself. I just really wish I could express myself better. I don't know. I know that if I do get better, I'll go back to having my emotions 'on my sleeve' so to say.

But whatever. You know that feeling when your stuck with someone you don't like to much, sometimes bordering on hate, sometimes hate, and sometimes bordering closer to like? But what you think of them fluctuates? Yeah, I have that feeling every day. And there are many times when it's hate. But you know what? Whatever. I'll make it through this. And if I don't get over my self-esteem issues, then I guess it means I was never meant to.

I also wish I could care about things more. And just let myself be myself. The saddest thing I think is that I don't really know who I am, and I doubt anyone else does either.

One of my biggest fears is of being alone. And guess what, if my life continues the way it is, I'm going to end up being alone. Because I'm an idiot. And it scares me to no end. I really am nervous about it, but there's nothing I can really do to change it, with out changing who I am. And I'm trying, but it is quite difficult.

So this was my Sweethearts date turned into ranting. :P Whatever. But writing this helped, so, that's good, right? Yeah, alright. So I guess I'm done with this post now so yay. I'll be surprised though if anybody reads this, but whatever. I wrote this for no one to read so I could be more honest with myself. So, there you have it.

Things...

Okay, first of all, there are three dots up there because they make things seem more dramatic and important than they actually are. So, that's why.

Alright, so, if you see posts with a title like "Rant-(number here)" there just rant posts. I was originally going to have a separate page on here, but, I couldn't get it to do what I wanted, so I gave up.

Alright, here's what I really was posting about. (I probably should have put this with the rant, but, whatever)

I'm not sure how to open this up, so I'm just going to go, and see where it takes me. I see friends who aren't always feeling the best (more specifically, feeling down) and I want to talk to them and try to help them, cause it gives me a sick feeling to to know that they aren't happy. But, I'm so much of a coward that I just let it eat away at me. And it really bothers me how much of a coward I am. I really wish I was more confidant, and had the courage to ask someone whats wrong, then not give up when they lie (and I know they're lying) and say nothing is wrong. That is something I really need to work on.

Along those lines, to all my friends out there that might decide to read this: If you ever need to talk to someone, or just rant, or whatever, let me know. I may not be the best at talking, but, I get the inverse, so I'm pretty good at listening. If you want advice, I can try and say what I honestly think. But if you just need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to ask me, cause I'd be more than happy to oblige.

Rant-1

Here is a rant from me.

I must say I feel quite inadequate- like all the time. Especially in winter drumline, especially in part two. I suck at counting and rhythms and such, and so part two is especially hard for me. And I get so frustrated every time. It's just… arrgh! I was so frustrated yesterday that I went out and punched a wall twice. And because of that I've bruised my knuckle and so it kinda hurts now. :P I haven't punched that wall in awhile and I can't remember why I did before, I was just frustrated.

One thing I hate about ranting on things people read- or can easily- is I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to worry about me because I know I'm not worth that worry. I just rant because I need to say some things, just to be them off my chest. You know?

I'm not sure what else to say. These rant posts will probably be shorter, but it will help me.

Because I said I would

So, yesterday, I said I woe post today, so, here it is.


What I was excited about was answering the person who asked me to sweethearts. That I did this morning, after the classes I had this morning. That was basically the reason I was excited to go to school this morning haha :)

I was also excited because I had been asked to sweethearts by a pretty awesome person :) if I said it made my day though, I wouldn't be completely honest. Cause, honestly, it made my week :) :)

So, if you can't tell, I'm pretty excited :)

That's basically all I wanted to say, so, yay :)