Something has been on my mind lately and its been bothering me. What is it? Perfection. I just don't agree with the idea of perfection in general. To me, having perfection as the goal hurts more than it helps, cause every time you get closer, you slide back down. I don't think perfection is an accurate statement/goal/thing/whatever to say as the point in life.
So if not perfection, then what? you say. I think the true goal in life is learning to be happy. Cause when you're happy you want to help others more. When you're happy you accept your imperfections, but know you need to change. When you're happy you can move forward and make progress. Perfection can/will follow happiness, but that's not what we should aim for. Sometimes if you aim to high you try to go over the mountain instead of taking the path up it. You miss everything along the way and you don't grow form it at all.
Sorry. That was my philosophical rant for the day.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sweethearts
So, yesterday was Sweethearts. It was pretty fun overall. I got to go with one of the coolest girls I know, Kara Winter. I enjoyed it overall. First thing we did was go to Subway for lunch. the food was pretty good, and so that was good.
After Subway we went to the Olympic Oval for ice skating. This was technically my first time ice skating, so it wasn't too great. I fell down pretty hard about forty-ish minutes into it, which ended up causing me to have a headache and to feel kinda dizzy for the rest of the time at the rink. I feel bad though for Kara, and the rest of my group because of me being dumb.
After ice skating we went to a nearby Walmart for a scavenger hunt. That was pretty fun, and Kara and I ended up winning the scavenger hunt, so that made it better :)
(Something we both wanted- toothbrushes :) haha. I also chose this picture to show you my beautiful date :) haha)
After the scavenger hunt we went back to our houses to get ready for the dance. Then once we were all ready we went to Natalie Eddington's house for dinner. We had noodles with a chicken sauce. It was quite delicious :) Afterwards we took some pictures at Natalie's house, then we went to the dance. We got pictures and stuff and then danced. It was alright, but I'm not much of a dancer so, yeah. But it was still fun, and I got to dance with Kara, which was pretty great too. :)
After the dance we went to Kara's house for ice cream, though it ended up being not many people really ate ice cream. We sat around in Kara's basement for a while talking, and then we watched about half of Lion King. That night though was the worst part of the date though. I think Kara either ended up having enough of my dumbness, or I did something to make her mad at me, or something else, but I don't know. But she kinda ended up avoiding me for the rest of the night it seemed. I also was feeling really dumb last night, so I don't know. But I blamed myself last night for her avoiding me, and so I wasn't in the greatest of moods last night. Now I don't know who I blame, but whatever. My only hope is that she doesn't end up hating me because I'm really dumb and lame.
I got home about midnight, and I still wasn't in the greatest of moods and I was really tired. So, I went to bed. But, since I was really mad at myself for being really dumb, I ended up crying a little bit before I went to sleep. Yeah, I cried. Big woop, get over it. But, it's too bad, because crying doesn't really seem to help me feel better anymore, like it did when I cried in like November, the night after Eva's farewell. But it was for completely unrelated reasons, having nothing to do with Eva leaving on a mission, I promise. I was more a build up of stress, anger, and all my other emotions that I keep to myself and I ended up cracking. I felt better for a few days, or weeks or so, after wards. Last time I cried was the 30 of January. That was a hard night before I went to sleep. The reason I was so upset? Because I was trying to gain some self-esteem and I was trying to be able to be comfortable and happy with myself. Pretty sad, huh? Yeah, crying that night didn't really help me feel any better, so the rest of that week was pretty long, and the first couple of days weren't the best. Crying last night didn't really help me feel any better either, so I'm still kinda in that sad/angry at myself emotion thing right now. Plus I'm still really tired, so that doesn't help. But you know what? Whatever. I'm just a big baby and I need to stop hiding my emotions.
I really wish I was able to speak my mind more often. I've just held back my opinions for so long, I have extreme difficulty sharing them now. I also wish I was able to talk easier. I spent most of middle school alone, and without friends really, and so I didn't really talk. And that's made it so I have trouble talking to anyone now. I also wish I had an easier time sharing my emotions. I hate feeling like a burden, and I'm scared of getting hurt. So I hide my emotions, and pretend not to care. I lie to others when they ask me how I am half the time, and I lie to myself. I just really wish I could express myself better. I don't know. I know that if I do get better, I'll go back to having my emotions 'on my sleeve' so to say.
But whatever. You know that feeling when your stuck with someone you don't like to much, sometimes bordering on hate, sometimes hate, and sometimes bordering closer to like? But what you think of them fluctuates? Yeah, I have that feeling every day. And there are many times when it's hate. But you know what? Whatever. I'll make it through this. And if I don't get over my self-esteem issues, then I guess it means I was never meant to.
I also wish I could care about things more. And just let myself be myself. The saddest thing I think is that I don't really know who I am, and I doubt anyone else does either.
One of my biggest fears is of being alone. And guess what, if my life continues the way it is, I'm going to end up being alone. Because I'm an idiot. And it scares me to no end. I really am nervous about it, but there's nothing I can really do to change it, with out changing who I am. And I'm trying, but it is quite difficult.
So this was my Sweethearts date turned into ranting. :P Whatever. But writing this helped, so, that's good, right? Yeah, alright. So I guess I'm done with this post now so yay. I'll be surprised though if anybody reads this, but whatever. I wrote this for no one to read so I could be more honest with myself. So, there you have it.
After Subway we went to the Olympic Oval for ice skating. This was technically my first time ice skating, so it wasn't too great. I fell down pretty hard about forty-ish minutes into it, which ended up causing me to have a headache and to feel kinda dizzy for the rest of the time at the rink. I feel bad though for Kara, and the rest of my group because of me being dumb.
After ice skating we went to a nearby Walmart for a scavenger hunt. That was pretty fun, and Kara and I ended up winning the scavenger hunt, so that made it better :)
(Something we both wanted- toothbrushes :) haha. I also chose this picture to show you my beautiful date :) haha)
After the scavenger hunt we went back to our houses to get ready for the dance. Then once we were all ready we went to Natalie Eddington's house for dinner. We had noodles with a chicken sauce. It was quite delicious :) Afterwards we took some pictures at Natalie's house, then we went to the dance. We got pictures and stuff and then danced. It was alright, but I'm not much of a dancer so, yeah. But it was still fun, and I got to dance with Kara, which was pretty great too. :)
After the dance we went to Kara's house for ice cream, though it ended up being not many people really ate ice cream. We sat around in Kara's basement for a while talking, and then we watched about half of Lion King. That night though was the worst part of the date though. I think Kara either ended up having enough of my dumbness, or I did something to make her mad at me, or something else, but I don't know. But she kinda ended up avoiding me for the rest of the night it seemed. I also was feeling really dumb last night, so I don't know. But I blamed myself last night for her avoiding me, and so I wasn't in the greatest of moods last night. Now I don't know who I blame, but whatever. My only hope is that she doesn't end up hating me because I'm really dumb and lame.
I got home about midnight, and I still wasn't in the greatest of moods and I was really tired. So, I went to bed. But, since I was really mad at myself for being really dumb, I ended up crying a little bit before I went to sleep. Yeah, I cried. Big woop, get over it. But, it's too bad, because crying doesn't really seem to help me feel better anymore, like it did when I cried in like November, the night after Eva's farewell. But it was for completely unrelated reasons, having nothing to do with Eva leaving on a mission, I promise. I was more a build up of stress, anger, and all my other emotions that I keep to myself and I ended up cracking. I felt better for a few days, or weeks or so, after wards. Last time I cried was the 30 of January. That was a hard night before I went to sleep. The reason I was so upset? Because I was trying to gain some self-esteem and I was trying to be able to be comfortable and happy with myself. Pretty sad, huh? Yeah, crying that night didn't really help me feel any better, so the rest of that week was pretty long, and the first couple of days weren't the best. Crying last night didn't really help me feel any better either, so I'm still kinda in that sad/angry at myself emotion thing right now. Plus I'm still really tired, so that doesn't help. But you know what? Whatever. I'm just a big baby and I need to stop hiding my emotions.
I really wish I was able to speak my mind more often. I've just held back my opinions for so long, I have extreme difficulty sharing them now. I also wish I was able to talk easier. I spent most of middle school alone, and without friends really, and so I didn't really talk. And that's made it so I have trouble talking to anyone now. I also wish I had an easier time sharing my emotions. I hate feeling like a burden, and I'm scared of getting hurt. So I hide my emotions, and pretend not to care. I lie to others when they ask me how I am half the time, and I lie to myself. I just really wish I could express myself better. I don't know. I know that if I do get better, I'll go back to having my emotions 'on my sleeve' so to say.
But whatever. You know that feeling when your stuck with someone you don't like to much, sometimes bordering on hate, sometimes hate, and sometimes bordering closer to like? But what you think of them fluctuates? Yeah, I have that feeling every day. And there are many times when it's hate. But you know what? Whatever. I'll make it through this. And if I don't get over my self-esteem issues, then I guess it means I was never meant to.
I also wish I could care about things more. And just let myself be myself. The saddest thing I think is that I don't really know who I am, and I doubt anyone else does either.
One of my biggest fears is of being alone. And guess what, if my life continues the way it is, I'm going to end up being alone. Because I'm an idiot. And it scares me to no end. I really am nervous about it, but there's nothing I can really do to change it, with out changing who I am. And I'm trying, but it is quite difficult.
So this was my Sweethearts date turned into ranting. :P Whatever. But writing this helped, so, that's good, right? Yeah, alright. So I guess I'm done with this post now so yay. I'll be surprised though if anybody reads this, but whatever. I wrote this for no one to read so I could be more honest with myself. So, there you have it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Things...
Okay, first of all, there are three dots up there because they make things seem more dramatic and important than they actually are. So, that's why.
Alright, so, if you see posts with a title like "Rant-(number here)" there just rant posts. I was originally going to have a separate page on here, but, I couldn't get it to do what I wanted, so I gave up.
Alright, here's what I really was posting about. (I probably should have put this with the rant, but, whatever)
I'm not sure how to open this up, so I'm just going to go, and see where it takes me. I see friends who aren't always feeling the best (more specifically, feeling down) and I want to talk to them and try to help them, cause it gives me a sick feeling to to know that they aren't happy. But, I'm so much of a coward that I just let it eat away at me. And it really bothers me how much of a coward I am. I really wish I was more confidant, and had the courage to ask someone whats wrong, then not give up when they lie (and I know they're lying) and say nothing is wrong. That is something I really need to work on.
Along those lines, to all my friends out there that might decide to read this: If you ever need to talk to someone, or just rant, or whatever, let me know. I may not be the best at talking, but, I get the inverse, so I'm pretty good at listening. If you want advice, I can try and say what I honestly think. But if you just need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to ask me, cause I'd be more than happy to oblige.
Alright, so, if you see posts with a title like "Rant-(number here)" there just rant posts. I was originally going to have a separate page on here, but, I couldn't get it to do what I wanted, so I gave up.
Alright, here's what I really was posting about. (I probably should have put this with the rant, but, whatever)
I'm not sure how to open this up, so I'm just going to go, and see where it takes me. I see friends who aren't always feeling the best (more specifically, feeling down) and I want to talk to them and try to help them, cause it gives me a sick feeling to to know that they aren't happy. But, I'm so much of a coward that I just let it eat away at me. And it really bothers me how much of a coward I am. I really wish I was more confidant, and had the courage to ask someone whats wrong, then not give up when they lie (and I know they're lying) and say nothing is wrong. That is something I really need to work on.
Along those lines, to all my friends out there that might decide to read this: If you ever need to talk to someone, or just rant, or whatever, let me know. I may not be the best at talking, but, I get the inverse, so I'm pretty good at listening. If you want advice, I can try and say what I honestly think. But if you just need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to ask me, cause I'd be more than happy to oblige.
Rant-1
Here is a rant from me.
I must say I feel quite inadequate- like all the time. Especially in winter drumline, especially in part two. I suck at counting and rhythms and such, and so part two is especially hard for me. And I get so frustrated every time. It's just… arrgh! I was so frustrated yesterday that I went out and punched a wall twice. And because of that I've bruised my knuckle and so it kinda hurts now. :P I haven't punched that wall in awhile and I can't remember why I did before, I was just frustrated.
One thing I hate about ranting on things people read- or can easily- is I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to worry about me because I know I'm not worth that worry. I just rant because I need to say some things, just to be them off my chest. You know?
I'm not sure what else to say. These rant posts will probably be shorter, but it will help me.
I must say I feel quite inadequate- like all the time. Especially in winter drumline, especially in part two. I suck at counting and rhythms and such, and so part two is especially hard for me. And I get so frustrated every time. It's just… arrgh! I was so frustrated yesterday that I went out and punched a wall twice. And because of that I've bruised my knuckle and so it kinda hurts now. :P I haven't punched that wall in awhile and I can't remember why I did before, I was just frustrated.
One thing I hate about ranting on things people read- or can easily- is I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want people to worry about me because I know I'm not worth that worry. I just rant because I need to say some things, just to be them off my chest. You know?
I'm not sure what else to say. These rant posts will probably be shorter, but it will help me.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Because I said I would
So, yesterday, I said I woe post today, so, here it is.
What I was excited about was answering the person who asked me to sweethearts. That I did this morning, after the classes I had this morning. That was basically the reason I was excited to go to school this morning haha :)
I was also excited because I had been asked to sweethearts by a pretty awesome person :) if I said it made my day though, I wouldn't be completely honest. Cause, honestly, it made my week :) :)
So, if you can't tell, I'm pretty excited :)
That's basically all I wanted to say, so, yay :)
What I was excited about was answering the person who asked me to sweethearts. That I did this morning, after the classes I had this morning. That was basically the reason I was excited to go to school this morning haha :)
I was also excited because I had been asked to sweethearts by a pretty awesome person :) if I said it made my day though, I wouldn't be completely honest. Cause, honestly, it made my week :) :)
So, if you can't tell, I'm pretty excited :)
That's basically all I wanted to say, so, yay :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Hmm...
There are so many things that I wan't to say... arrgh! I can't yet though :P sorry. I will tomorrow, but, know this, I'm pretty freaking happy and excited right now, and having to go to school tomorrow morning doesn't seem like such a bad thing to me :) That is all... until tomorrow (at the soonest) :) :)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Vegitarian vs Meatatarian
I said I would do this, so here I go. I'm going to explain my reasoning why I see being vegetarian as… dumb. (not trying to offensive, just best word I could think of.)
Okay, first of all, humans are technically animals, right? I'm going to be working with that. We evolved to be omnivores, which means we eat meat and plants. When you refuse to eat meat, you're fighting nature. If you're vegetarian because of you abounding love for nature- you're a hypocrite.
Secondly, the animals are going to be killed whether or not you eat meat or not. And at the same volume. Which means if you don't eat it, it gets wasted. That means that that animals death was in vain if you're vegetarian because you love animals, then you're going about it the wrong way.
I am interested to know what your arguments are though. But I'm sure I could refute your reasoning.
Okay, first of all, humans are technically animals, right? I'm going to be working with that. We evolved to be omnivores, which means we eat meat and plants. When you refuse to eat meat, you're fighting nature. If you're vegetarian because of you abounding love for nature- you're a hypocrite.
Secondly, the animals are going to be killed whether or not you eat meat or not. And at the same volume. Which means if you don't eat it, it gets wasted. That means that that animals death was in vain if you're vegetarian because you love animals, then you're going about it the wrong way.
I am interested to know what your arguments are though. But I'm sure I could refute your reasoning.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Yeah whatever
So todays been pretty crappy. It started out alright, but went down hill all day.
So you know what? Im not even worth the oxygen and he matter that I take up and use. I've had several brushes with death, and it's been my bad luck to survive them. I know that I'm hated, so I don't know why I convince myself otherwise. I know that I'm meant to be alone. I'm just a dumb fat ho. A spineless yelowbellied coward. I'm not worth the dust found in elephant crap. The whole wide world would be better off without me. Everyone would be happier- me and the world.
You shouldn't waste your time caring about those who aren't worth it. That being said, I know I'm not worth peoples time do people aren't worth mine trying to be worth time. I'm done caring cause the hurts too much. I know Who my friends are don't matter as long as they're a good example. Because statistically a person won't stay in contact with his/her friends from high school. Which means people don't matter.
I'm sick and tired of feeling used. I feel like I'm there for my friends all the time, and then they're never there for me. Life isnt so onesided. What happens next time you need me and I'm not there huh? Cause that's the path we're walking right now.
High school is supposed to be a time of learning. So, that means people need to learn to watch their tongues. Because if you can't watch what you say, your mouth is going to get you in trouble one day. So people better start learning fast, cause humanity has a long way to go.
This has been another useless rant. Humanity pisses me off, and I don't want to live on this planet anymore. This is the end of my useless rant.
You know the best thing abou not having people read your blog? No one knows what you say unless you say you said something, that way no one cares and gets offended and you can say whatever you want.
So you know what? Im not even worth the oxygen and he matter that I take up and use. I've had several brushes with death, and it's been my bad luck to survive them. I know that I'm hated, so I don't know why I convince myself otherwise. I know that I'm meant to be alone. I'm just a dumb fat ho. A spineless yelowbellied coward. I'm not worth the dust found in elephant crap. The whole wide world would be better off without me. Everyone would be happier- me and the world.
You shouldn't waste your time caring about those who aren't worth it. That being said, I know I'm not worth peoples time do people aren't worth mine trying to be worth time. I'm done caring cause the hurts too much. I know Who my friends are don't matter as long as they're a good example. Because statistically a person won't stay in contact with his/her friends from high school. Which means people don't matter.
I'm sick and tired of feeling used. I feel like I'm there for my friends all the time, and then they're never there for me. Life isnt so onesided. What happens next time you need me and I'm not there huh? Cause that's the path we're walking right now.
High school is supposed to be a time of learning. So, that means people need to learn to watch their tongues. Because if you can't watch what you say, your mouth is going to get you in trouble one day. So people better start learning fast, cause humanity has a long way to go.
This has been another useless rant. Humanity pisses me off, and I don't want to live on this planet anymore. This is the end of my useless rant.
You know the best thing abou not having people read your blog? No one knows what you say unless you say you said something, that way no one cares and gets offended and you can say whatever you want.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Who am I?
I've been thinking lately (a dangerous pastime I know) and I've realized that I really don't know who I am. I know my name, but I don't know how to describe myself, I don't know what my interests are. I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know anything about me. I know there are a bunch of cliche answers out there (more so depending on your culture) but I don't want a cliche answer. I want the truth. I want to know what people think when they see my name or see me. I want to know people's uncensored thoughts about me. Don't worry about offending me because I'm past caring right now. If you're reading this, I beg of you, please do this as a favor to me and tell me what you think of me. You don't have to post it as a comment, just find some way to let me know, because I feel lost and alone. And I'm scared.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Explanation
A while back, on twitter, I posted about 'some days just needing 'one''. (I wanted to use the direct quote, but I couldn't find it :P) Well, I didn't say what it was because I didn't want it to change how people act around and to me. But, In my current, drugged state, I have deemed it wise (which is parodoxyl because I just got my wisdom teeth taken out :P).
Well, what I meant by 'one' was a hug. Thre, I said it. Yeah, hugs are nice, but I'm just kind of the guy who doesn't get hugged. I'm not sure why, maybe I come off as not liking being hugged, or maybe I'm just not 'huggable'. I'll never know. But, there's my drugged rant for the day.
I decided to add this shortly after- Do you know what's nice? Just talking to people. It doesn't matter about what, but just having a conversation with somebody can just brighten up a day, and so I feel very lucky to have friends who are actually willing to talk to me (:P haha)
Well, what I meant by 'one' was a hug. Thre, I said it. Yeah, hugs are nice, but I'm just kind of the guy who doesn't get hugged. I'm not sure why, maybe I come off as not liking being hugged, or maybe I'm just not 'huggable'. I'll never know. But, there's my drugged rant for the day.
I decided to add this shortly after- Do you know what's nice? Just talking to people. It doesn't matter about what, but just having a conversation with somebody can just brighten up a day, and so I feel very lucky to have friends who are actually willing to talk to me (:P haha)
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Things of which you shall see
So, I was thinking about why I don't care and a bunch about myself, so, basically a bunch of self-reflection and such. Well, I think I realized why I am so apathetic about everything. I think it's because, when I do feel emotions, I feel them very strongly. And when I get very emotional (meaning just feeling emotions very strongly) I loose control of myself. My throat tightens, and my eyes moisten, when I'm mad, sad, etc. I've grown afraid of myself and my feelings, and so I've repressed them. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder what, and how many, mental illnesses I have. I'm starting to think I have mild bipolarness, depression, and maybe others. Yeah, I understand that it's probably just hormonal unbalances due to puberty and such. But, still. Mental illnesses are genetic, and my grandpa had one, I have cousins that have had some, so, I wonder if I've hit the jackpot of being messed up.
Yesterday was... interesting. (Yesterday being December 16, 2011). I told myself I would be happy, and for the beginning I was. I tried to keep a smile on my face, even though it's harder for me because my face is so unaccustomed to it, and I did alright. Then in English, after my vocab test, I tried to sleep (unsuccessfully) and my thoughts wandered, which is never a good thing. And then for some explainable reason, I crashed, burned, and fell into Tartarus in a matter of seconds. I don't know why, and I probably won't. But, it was horrible. I was cast into a bout of depression I haven't felt for a long time, if ever. And the weirdest part I didn't know why. Usually I know why I'm feeling the way I am when I'm like that, and I usually have a reason, but, I didn't this time. It was horrible, and I was not in the mood for being around people, which I had to because it was my family Christmas party. But, when the two biggest families on that side have other things that they are doing, it makes a smaller crowd, which was nice, and so by the end of the day I started feeling better. But, it was the worst I have ever felt, and I think it was made worse by the fact I didn't have a reason for it.
Do you know what's nice? Friends that understand how things are, and have very similar thought process's as you. Friends that you can talk about girls, and they understand where your coming from and visa versa. Friends like that are pretty awesome, and I'm glad I have one like Calvin. He helped me feel better, or better understand, the way things are, and just so you all know, he is pretty fantastic.
That is all.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The eyes of confusion
So, this is going to be a very... interesting (?) post. More of a rant really.
Random spaces to make it so what I'm going to say, which could be found offensive, isn't the first thing you see
You know what is very annoying? Awesome girls. I mean, honestly, could you stop being so awesome all the time? That way guys (like me) don't have as many things to worry about. Stop messing with our heads and hearts (intentionally or unintentionally) and let us have a respite. Please? Like, really, pretty please with a inch-thick layer of chocolate on top?
Anyways, life is pretty confusing. Understandably, because if someone understood it, they would have written a 'How To' guide and made millions. But, I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure who I am, and I'm not sure if I want to find out. I just need to make my decision, and go 'the whole hog' as Huck would say.
I wish I didn't worry so much about what other people think of me. In all honesty, it doesn't really matter, and I need to get over my fear and stop worrying about it. Gosh darn it, why I'm I so dumb?
I feel like I'm stuck in a swamp of self-pity, and, I need to stop looking at the lights, and the dead bodies, and follow Gollum on the paths that are safe. (refer to Lord of the Rings the Twin Towers)
I really don't know what I'm saying... I'm kinda just prolonging the inevitability of me getting off and doing dishes, and posting this.
You know what is awesome? Awesome friends. Somehow I got stuck with friends that actually care. How that happened, I have no idea, but, I won't complain about my luck. Speaking of luck, I try not to trust in it, because I seem to have bad luck, and I'd rather not rely on that too much, right?
Well, that's about all I can really say, and I'm lucky I said this much (:P), but, I guess that's it.
If you made it to the end, I think you deserve a gold star. So now go do something with your life, don't stick stuff in peoples ears (because, at least for me, I know I don't have signs on them saying "Insert something of your choice here!"), and if you're working on a story, go write it instead of reading about my crap :)
But, if you read this far, you are either a stalker, or a pretty good friend, or a stranger. I'm just going to assume the second, so, I'm ignoring the other two. So, thanks being a good friend, I really do appreciate it, even if I may not show it (which I am sorry about).
I guess that's all the time I can waste now, so, until next time my avid readers, ado. (That's funny because I don't have any avid readers :) haha)
Random spaces to make it so what I'm going to say, which could be found offensive, isn't the first thing you see
You know what is very annoying? Awesome girls. I mean, honestly, could you stop being so awesome all the time? That way guys (like me) don't have as many things to worry about. Stop messing with our heads and hearts (intentionally or unintentionally) and let us have a respite. Please? Like, really, pretty please with a inch-thick layer of chocolate on top?
Anyways, life is pretty confusing. Understandably, because if someone understood it, they would have written a 'How To' guide and made millions. But, I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure who I am, and I'm not sure if I want to find out. I just need to make my decision, and go 'the whole hog' as Huck would say.
I wish I didn't worry so much about what other people think of me. In all honesty, it doesn't really matter, and I need to get over my fear and stop worrying about it. Gosh darn it, why I'm I so dumb?
I feel like I'm stuck in a swamp of self-pity, and, I need to stop looking at the lights, and the dead bodies, and follow Gollum on the paths that are safe. (refer to Lord of the Rings the Twin Towers)
I really don't know what I'm saying... I'm kinda just prolonging the inevitability of me getting off and doing dishes, and posting this.
You know what is awesome? Awesome friends. Somehow I got stuck with friends that actually care. How that happened, I have no idea, but, I won't complain about my luck. Speaking of luck, I try not to trust in it, because I seem to have bad luck, and I'd rather not rely on that too much, right?
Well, that's about all I can really say, and I'm lucky I said this much (:P), but, I guess that's it.
If you made it to the end, I think you deserve a gold star. So now go do something with your life, don't stick stuff in peoples ears (because, at least for me, I know I don't have signs on them saying "Insert something of your choice here!"), and if you're working on a story, go write it instead of reading about my crap :)
But, if you read this far, you are either a stalker, or a pretty good friend, or a stranger. I'm just going to assume the second, so, I'm ignoring the other two. So, thanks being a good friend, I really do appreciate it, even if I may not show it (which I am sorry about).
I guess that's all the time I can waste now, so, until next time my avid readers, ado. (That's funny because I don't have any avid readers :) haha)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Friek
I don't know what to think anymore. I tired of life, and I just want to give on, and float along through the water, letting the tide carry my body to shore. I wish that I actually felt needed, instead of being just a burden of depression. I just want to understand myself...
I fear this may be a pivotal time in my life, right now, and there is no easy roads. (To roughly paraphrase a quote from Inheritance ). No matter what I do, I fear, it will have repercussions through the rest of my life. I really just need an outlet, and I don't have one.
Life is just freaking hectic, and like I said, I just want to give up.
Friek
I fear this may be a pivotal time in my life, right now, and there is no easy roads. (To roughly paraphrase a quote from Inheritance ). No matter what I do, I fear, it will have repercussions through the rest of my life. I really just need an outlet, and I don't have one.
Life is just freaking hectic, and like I said, I just want to give up.
Friek
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Story Time... From my life in the pit
Okay, so these stories are from when I was in the pit in the musical, and it's written collectively by Tyler, Kristianna, and I. You probably won't be able to tell where each person wrote, and I won't separate it, so don't worry about.
First Story)
The princess banged on the door, wishing it would open. She was in desperate need of food, and it was raining. The door remained closed, she looked over her shoulder and saw they were getting close. Running short on hope with the door, she looked around for another means of escape. She opened her utility belt and grabbed her shark repellent can. A hand grasped her mouth, and then everything went black.... (yes, on the paper there were four dots)
She woke in a cold, dark room with cold chains keeping her stationary. The door remained closed. Actually, the door was open, but that didn't matter since she was chained. to keep her mind awake and active, she started singing her favorite song, Nellie the Elephant. She looked down then back up, the chains were now diamonds. Since the door was still open, she took a few diamonds, because she wasn't greedy, and ran out the OPEN door. But, to her dismay, she crashed into an invisible door, and fell on her back, full of dismay. She was pretty dismayed. But then she realized she wasn't dismayed at all, but actually very happy, "Trolled by my own body again... Dangit," emphasizing the dang it with with a fist pound on the ground, which caused the floor to fall, "my," her brain thought, "this is a run on sentence." The princess, May, decided then to escape her prison. But it really wasn't a prison, because hadn't seen any guards. But, shed decided, it was really a prison because, in all technicalities, she was a prisoner.
Using her stealthy Asian powers, she daringly picked the invisible door with a hairpin. Using her Jamacian powers (her family was royalty, so she had many powers) she quickly ran away, going as fast as shed could to jungle, with a trumpity trump, but sadly she forgot to pakcer her trunk.
There she saw a door the seemingly lead to nowere. The door remaind closed, but, the door, oddly enough, lacked a middle, so it was mor like and arch, so she walked through, ignoring the protests of the door handle. Unfortunately, the door didn't really lead anywhere so she continued onward. However, things started to look strang; the trees were warped, there were blue leaves instead of green, as well as bowls of soup floating around. *Intermission Music here (because I'm lazy)* Our feature presentation brought to you by Head On^(R), "Apply directly to the forehead", now, back to your feature presentation.
Asmerelda (actually it's May), the princess, thought to herself "What a LAZY Asian!" And then wondered why she thought it, but it didn't matter, then she tried to figure out why she thought of so many stereotypes all the time. She stalled a bit longer. And then more... And then she saw a sign that said "Magic Elixir This Way! -->", (that's supposed to be an arrow) so she followed the signs for awhile (long enough to take up part of a sentence, but not long enough to be a full sentence) until she reached a courtyard with a pedestal in the center (the pedestal was surrounded by signs saying things like "Here it is") and on that pedestal was a can of Mountain Dew^(trademarked limited/(R)), and it made her mouth water, but she couldn't tell from there what flavor it was (and of course she though about run on sentences again). May drank some Dew. She concluded that it was the flavor of pure awesomeness in a can, then she read the backs of the signs, all of which had signs of warning, saying she would '_Blank_ forever'
May sighed, of course the painter left a blank, that troll; then something on the corner of the sign caught her eye, she examined it and saw that it was a troll face. That was the last thing she ever saw.
SHE WENT BLIND! But she could still see with her ears because she had the uncanny ability to hear everything, and that created pictures in her mind. She saw a gun next to the now empty can of Dew, with a sign saying 'You'll need this', sh she picked it up and shot her self. But it was blank. She was pretty dismayed, and she said "I am disappoint."
She Died
Second Story)
It was a dark and stormy night... never mind, that's to cliche- It was a bright and sunny day in the meadow, bee's were frolicking and rabbits were buzzing. The wind grazed the top of the luscious trees, all of voluminous, rich pines. The flowers were not beginning to blossom; in fact, they were already in FULL blossom. Suddenly, seemingly just to ruin the mood, a large, scaly foot crashed down, crushing the leaping rabbits. The world revolved in a splendid array of color as a joyous ode burst forth from the foots opening, celebrating and basking in the pure glory of The Meadow. The foot smelt band. The plants around the foot wilted and died *Camera zoom out* The owner of the foot was a one-scaly-legged hunkle-stoppe, the poisonous kind. She hopped around proudly displaying the singing limb in her hands, pleased at the purchase she'd garnered. She turned her head, hair flying behind her, with birds nested in the high purchases, and ran back to what she called her home. "Dinner" She stood outside the door, trying to get access to her home, shouting "Dinner!" to tempt those inside to open the door.But to no avail, the door remained closed. However, someone jumped out the window. She sighed glumly. She ran and tackled the robber, punching him until he dropped like a stone. Then, with the clothing from the back of the robber, she mad a fire in which she intended to cook the singing limb, seeing as she couldn't use her kitchen because of secret enchantments put on the house by the robber, whom she killed. So, she sat, as the poisonous limb steamed and bubbled, staring intently into the dancing flames, memories of her past dancing in her eyes, blocking the light of the flame.
"...In a dark night, in the middle of the day, two dead boys stood up to play... With a ball in one hand, a dagger in the other, their play turned deadly towards each other. Their mother thought it was all in play- young Hunkle-Stoppe's often fought with knives. She looked back down and continued her knitting. Her head shot up when a duet of screams broke the morning stillness. Her two boys were laying on the ground, their knives stuck in the others chest. "At least they both laid in rest."
Her food was finished cooking as her last thoughts of a different life played in her mind. She had once vowed that when she came to this planet, she would leave that life of government conspiracies and secrets behind her. She hated the mask of a simpleton she was forced to wear. It weighed her down. Her neighbors had commented about stooped shoulders, seemingly becoming more obvious every day. One day, she snapped.
...
She awoke with a painful, hazy cloud in her mind "What happened?..." Images flooded through her mind, bodies laying on the ground. She snapped out of her haze and examined herself- she was covered in blood. She didn't know who she was, where she came from, what she was doing, what had happened, or what she was going to do. A cat came and started meowing, begging for attention. She shewed it away, it was something about a note... Someone not giving her a note maybe? Yes... she was supposed to deliver a note; in fact, that _was_ her purpose in life. Reaching down into her pocket, she felt it. She pulled out a blank index card. Anger filled the remnants of her soul. Reaching into her pocket, she was dismayed. A door appeared. It was not open.
She Died
Third Story) (There is a rhyme scheme in this... see if you can spot it)
There once was a very large tree named Rock. He enjoyed the view at the dock. For he was an Ash tree growing near the beach. And his loving father always did teach to grow equally up and out, so he would be a strong tree. Years he spent growing tall and stout, a strong Ash others would see. That's where he got his name from, because threes get their names once they are a little older, so their name matches their personality. Rock was happy in his kingdom, but one day a man with an ax on his shoulder, tried to chop Rock down -- Fatality. Fatality for the man of course, his bark was rock hard, and the man's ax broke; the attempt angered Rock, so he strangled the man with one of his roots, squeezing so hard his head pooped off. Rock was please with this new power source, he could break through any guard, and their throats he'd choke; so he left the dock, and saw a peddler, peddling flutes - he was stuck in a trough. Rock offered his assistance, but the man declined. Surprised at his resistance, Rock walked around for others to find. Looking, he sought for those in a bind.
* * * * * *
Late that night, Rock smiled. That day he had done many good deeds, like saving a young child. He'd always enjoyed a good meal. He had always been in the mindset that food had the power to heal. He settled in the shady meadow, blood dripping from his roots. He had torn robbers feet from inside their boots.... He awoke with a start. A torch was pointed at the location of his wooden heart. He saw three spears, one pointed at his appendix, one at his esophagus, and one at his liver. On each mans back was a loaded quiver. "You've murdered our children, our men, and taken our liberties!"
"I did not!" Rocker said, "Now, no more fiberies!"
"What happened to our child, you ruffian?"
"Last I saw he was eating a poppy-seed muffin."
"You've taken him you monster!"
One of the men shouted, "I bet he made him into a custard!"
Rock could not answer because he was so flustered. He could not believe his incredibly horrible luck! The men circled around Rock, chanting "Rjech chake noop, Rjech chake noop."
"You've been duped!" Rock said, panicked,"Duped I say! Duped!"
Then, Rock activated his powers of the pooped! He called them, his 'trees power of soup.' Most of the time he wasn't sure what all he could accomplish, but now he just prayed it would help him kill these foes.
The men continued chanting, "Rock waake upp! Rock wake up! Rock wake up!"
Rock groaned, the jumped up with a "Hup!" "I just had the strangest dream..."
THE END
There's the stories... haha
First Story)
The princess banged on the door, wishing it would open. She was in desperate need of food, and it was raining. The door remained closed, she looked over her shoulder and saw they were getting close. Running short on hope with the door, she looked around for another means of escape. She opened her utility belt and grabbed her shark repellent can. A hand grasped her mouth, and then everything went black.... (yes, on the paper there were four dots)
She woke in a cold, dark room with cold chains keeping her stationary. The door remained closed. Actually, the door was open, but that didn't matter since she was chained. to keep her mind awake and active, she started singing her favorite song, Nellie the Elephant. She looked down then back up, the chains were now diamonds. Since the door was still open, she took a few diamonds, because she wasn't greedy, and ran out the OPEN door. But, to her dismay, she crashed into an invisible door, and fell on her back, full of dismay. She was pretty dismayed. But then she realized she wasn't dismayed at all, but actually very happy, "Trolled by my own body again... Dangit," emphasizing the dang it with with a fist pound on the ground, which caused the floor to fall, "my," her brain thought, "this is a run on sentence." The princess, May, decided then to escape her prison. But it really wasn't a prison, because hadn't seen any guards. But, shed decided, it was really a prison because, in all technicalities, she was a prisoner.
Using her stealthy Asian powers, she daringly picked the invisible door with a hairpin. Using her Jamacian powers (her family was royalty, so she had many powers) she quickly ran away, going as fast as shed could to jungle, with a trumpity trump, but sadly she forgot to pakcer her trunk.
There she saw a door the seemingly lead to nowere. The door remaind closed, but, the door, oddly enough, lacked a middle, so it was mor like and arch, so she walked through, ignoring the protests of the door handle. Unfortunately, the door didn't really lead anywhere so she continued onward. However, things started to look strang; the trees were warped, there were blue leaves instead of green, as well as bowls of soup floating around. *Intermission Music here (because I'm lazy)* Our feature presentation brought to you by Head On^(R), "Apply directly to the forehead", now, back to your feature presentation.
Asmerelda (actually it's May), the princess, thought to herself "What a LAZY Asian!" And then wondered why she thought it, but it didn't matter, then she tried to figure out why she thought of so many stereotypes all the time. She stalled a bit longer. And then more... And then she saw a sign that said "Magic Elixir This Way! -->", (that's supposed to be an arrow) so she followed the signs for awhile (long enough to take up part of a sentence, but not long enough to be a full sentence) until she reached a courtyard with a pedestal in the center (the pedestal was surrounded by signs saying things like "Here it is") and on that pedestal was a can of Mountain Dew^(trademarked limited/(R)), and it made her mouth water, but she couldn't tell from there what flavor it was (and of course she though about run on sentences again). May drank some Dew. She concluded that it was the flavor of pure awesomeness in a can, then she read the backs of the signs, all of which had signs of warning, saying she would '_Blank_ forever'
May sighed, of course the painter left a blank, that troll; then something on the corner of the sign caught her eye, she examined it and saw that it was a troll face. That was the last thing she ever saw.
SHE WENT BLIND! But she could still see with her ears because she had the uncanny ability to hear everything, and that created pictures in her mind. She saw a gun next to the now empty can of Dew, with a sign saying 'You'll need this', sh she picked it up and shot her self. But it was blank. She was pretty dismayed, and she said "I am disappoint."
She Died
Second Story)
It was a dark and stormy night... never mind, that's to cliche- It was a bright and sunny day in the meadow, bee's were frolicking and rabbits were buzzing. The wind grazed the top of the luscious trees, all of voluminous, rich pines. The flowers were not beginning to blossom; in fact, they were already in FULL blossom. Suddenly, seemingly just to ruin the mood, a large, scaly foot crashed down, crushing the leaping rabbits. The world revolved in a splendid array of color as a joyous ode burst forth from the foots opening, celebrating and basking in the pure glory of The Meadow. The foot smelt band. The plants around the foot wilted and died *Camera zoom out* The owner of the foot was a one-scaly-legged hunkle-stoppe, the poisonous kind. She hopped around proudly displaying the singing limb in her hands, pleased at the purchase she'd garnered. She turned her head, hair flying behind her, with birds nested in the high purchases, and ran back to what she called her home. "Dinner" She stood outside the door, trying to get access to her home, shouting "Dinner!" to tempt those inside to open the door.But to no avail, the door remained closed. However, someone jumped out the window. She sighed glumly. She ran and tackled the robber, punching him until he dropped like a stone. Then, with the clothing from the back of the robber, she mad a fire in which she intended to cook the singing limb, seeing as she couldn't use her kitchen because of secret enchantments put on the house by the robber, whom she killed. So, she sat, as the poisonous limb steamed and bubbled, staring intently into the dancing flames, memories of her past dancing in her eyes, blocking the light of the flame.
"...In a dark night, in the middle of the day, two dead boys stood up to play... With a ball in one hand, a dagger in the other, their play turned deadly towards each other. Their mother thought it was all in play- young Hunkle-Stoppe's often fought with knives. She looked back down and continued her knitting. Her head shot up when a duet of screams broke the morning stillness. Her two boys were laying on the ground, their knives stuck in the others chest. "At least they both laid in rest."
Her food was finished cooking as her last thoughts of a different life played in her mind. She had once vowed that when she came to this planet, she would leave that life of government conspiracies and secrets behind her. She hated the mask of a simpleton she was forced to wear. It weighed her down. Her neighbors had commented about stooped shoulders, seemingly becoming more obvious every day. One day, she snapped.
...
She awoke with a painful, hazy cloud in her mind "What happened?..." Images flooded through her mind, bodies laying on the ground. She snapped out of her haze and examined herself- she was covered in blood. She didn't know who she was, where she came from, what she was doing, what had happened, or what she was going to do. A cat came and started meowing, begging for attention. She shewed it away, it was something about a note... Someone not giving her a note maybe? Yes... she was supposed to deliver a note; in fact, that _was_ her purpose in life. Reaching down into her pocket, she felt it. She pulled out a blank index card. Anger filled the remnants of her soul. Reaching into her pocket, she was dismayed. A door appeared. It was not open.
She Died
Third Story) (There is a rhyme scheme in this... see if you can spot it)
There once was a very large tree named Rock. He enjoyed the view at the dock. For he was an Ash tree growing near the beach. And his loving father always did teach to grow equally up and out, so he would be a strong tree. Years he spent growing tall and stout, a strong Ash others would see. That's where he got his name from, because threes get their names once they are a little older, so their name matches their personality. Rock was happy in his kingdom, but one day a man with an ax on his shoulder, tried to chop Rock down -- Fatality. Fatality for the man of course, his bark was rock hard, and the man's ax broke; the attempt angered Rock, so he strangled the man with one of his roots, squeezing so hard his head pooped off. Rock was please with this new power source, he could break through any guard, and their throats he'd choke; so he left the dock, and saw a peddler, peddling flutes - he was stuck in a trough. Rock offered his assistance, but the man declined. Surprised at his resistance, Rock walked around for others to find. Looking, he sought for those in a bind.
* * * * * *
Late that night, Rock smiled. That day he had done many good deeds, like saving a young child. He'd always enjoyed a good meal. He had always been in the mindset that food had the power to heal. He settled in the shady meadow, blood dripping from his roots. He had torn robbers feet from inside their boots.... He awoke with a start. A torch was pointed at the location of his wooden heart. He saw three spears, one pointed at his appendix, one at his esophagus, and one at his liver. On each mans back was a loaded quiver. "You've murdered our children, our men, and taken our liberties!"
"I did not!" Rocker said, "Now, no more fiberies!"
"What happened to our child, you ruffian?"
"Last I saw he was eating a poppy-seed muffin."
"You've taken him you monster!"
One of the men shouted, "I bet he made him into a custard!"
Rock could not answer because he was so flustered. He could not believe his incredibly horrible luck! The men circled around Rock, chanting "Rjech chake noop, Rjech chake noop."
"You've been duped!" Rock said, panicked,"Duped I say! Duped!"
Then, Rock activated his powers of the pooped! He called them, his 'trees power of soup.' Most of the time he wasn't sure what all he could accomplish, but now he just prayed it would help him kill these foes.
The men continued chanting, "Rock waake upp! Rock wake up! Rock wake up!"
Rock groaned, the jumped up with a "Hup!" "I just had the strangest dream..."
THE END
There's the stories... haha
Monday, October 17, 2011
Honesty with ranting involved
Okay, so, now it's time for me to be almost 100% honest. I've had pent up feelings bubbling inside of me for awhile now, and this is my outlet.
Before I start, I want to say first of all, I am not looking for sympathy. If you give some great, but, actually, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't want it. Empathy, sure, why not? But that's questionable too. If you want to say something, the top two things I can think of for you to say would be giving advice and something completely random (preferably something that could bring a smile to someone's face)
Okay, so, first of all [yes, I know, I've already said that, but this is the 'first of all' of what I'm talking about, not a precursor like I just did], I have to say I have incredible friends. There is a chance (I'm not sure how high, or low) that I may not even be alive today if it weren't for them, I don't know. Because of them, I want to make myself a better person, and I feel, almost out of place among amazing people like them. One thing that I can see great evidence of, dealing with how a friend has change my life, is band. If it weren't for Geoff, I wouldn't be in band. I'm not going to explain the story, because I've probably already explained it to you, but if you want to know, let me know, and I can fill you in on the details. But, because of band, I have a much larger amount of friends than I could have possibly hoped for (because I find it extremely difficult to make friends), and I am extremely grateful for these friends. I have also grown much closer to people I was friends with, but not super close, but now they are great friends for me.
Okay, now it's time for more depressing stuff. You are now welcomed and invited to skip this whole paragraph, because it is a meaningless rant, and it will sound very depressing, because I need to get all of this out of my system. So, I'll start off smaller, and lead up to bigger stuff, so if your reading the beginning, you don't have to read the worst of it all. So, if you didn't already know, I am the saxophone section leader in the marching band. I don't deserve that one bit. The true, only reason why I was chosen as section leader is because I'm the only vet in the section. I am definitely not the best at music (in all honesty, I'm on the lower end of the spectrum). I'm alright at marching, but the truly only reason why I'm section leader is because I'm the veteran. It's a lot of hard work that I'm not cut out for. I am an ant among musical and marching giants. One thing that bother's me a lot is how great some people say I am. (I may be confused, and people are just being sarcastic or something, but believe me, once you read through this, you wont think I'm making it up.[Great isn't necessarily the exact phrasing, just more of a general thing]) Because in all honesty, I really am not that great of a person, and I am kind of a horrible human being. And it almost hurts me when people compliment me (depends on the time, and strange, I know) because I don't believe it, and in fact, many times I believe the opposite. So, if you are still reading this, you must've noticed I am a quite depressing fellow. So, now it comes time for the heavy weighty stuff that's going to be hard for me to say, and I may end up regretting. There are many a time when I honestly hate myself. Most of the time when I think about it, I realize that there aren't many things I'm good at, or things that I like about myself. One thing I've noticed is I can adapt quickly to things, but then I plateau, or level out. I don't ever improve after that short burst, so I remain mediocre at that for the rest of my life.
I also dislike at how bad I am at talking with people, and making friends. My problem seems to be that I don't have anything to say, because a lot of times I only say things that need to be said, and a lot of times not even then. And then a lot of times I act/say things that are really stupid, and I end up regretting right after. I need to learn to think before I act. Making friends and talking to people then is increased by a multiple of 10 when it involves girls. I used to be alright around people, in elementary, but that was with a whole year of being with them all day, and it still took me a while to warm up to them, but something happened between 6th grade and 7th grade, and it's just been even harder for me. I still have trouble interacting and talking with girls, and this has lead me to fear of a lonely and long existence for my future.
I feel better now that I've finally said all of that. School is stressing me out, and I think it's because I've got to much on my plate right now, and I think my prides not letting me say that I really do. I'm not doing excellently in my classes right now, but a lot of that should change by the end of the quarter (hopefully). I've realized that I am depressed a lot, so, I don't know if people notice or not, because it seems very common to me. I have often wondered if I have clinical depression, because it has be noticed in my family, but I can't tell right now. Because anything with depression is automatically contributed to puberty and hormone imbalances caused by that. With depression, I have found that I usually am the most depressed when I am alone, and left to wander in my own thoughts, which happens quite a lot, considering the kind of person I am (described in the paragraph above).
I think that's enough tangents for now, and I don't really know where else to go with this, maybe one reason is because I'm about to fall asleep (so sorry if there's any major errors in this). I am very grateful for fall break this Thursday and Friday, I definitely need it. Marching Band season is almost over. three more competitions, and this year is done. One more regular competition tomorrow, at Davis Highschool. I'm hoping that our scores can improve a lot, but, I don't know how that will work out. Then next week (28th-30th) is Redrocks. Which means we're going down to St. George, having a competition, and then the next day going to Las Vegas for a competition, and then the next day we come home. Honestly, I am scared for our band, because of how many people really are struggling right now, and honesty don't care. That's one of my biggest beef's with people in the band right now, is that they don't care.
Well, there goes "that's enough". So, now I really mean, that's enough. So, I just want to close with saying I love my friends. I honestly would probably be living a different life style if it weren't for my friends. Like I said, I honestly love you guys, and I hope some day you can know that, whether it's from me personally telling you (if I ever get the guts) or it's from you reading this.
So, that is all. (Besides this quote I will make up and add to the end)
"We never know how fast and fleeting our life is. Never let a moment slip through your fingers, because you'll regret it once you realize you can't have it."
Before I start, I want to say first of all, I am not looking for sympathy. If you give some great, but, actually, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't want it. Empathy, sure, why not? But that's questionable too. If you want to say something, the top two things I can think of for you to say would be giving advice and something completely random (preferably something that could bring a smile to someone's face)
Okay, so, first of all [yes, I know, I've already said that, but this is the 'first of all' of what I'm talking about, not a precursor like I just did], I have to say I have incredible friends. There is a chance (I'm not sure how high, or low) that I may not even be alive today if it weren't for them, I don't know. Because of them, I want to make myself a better person, and I feel, almost out of place among amazing people like them. One thing that I can see great evidence of, dealing with how a friend has change my life, is band. If it weren't for Geoff, I wouldn't be in band. I'm not going to explain the story, because I've probably already explained it to you, but if you want to know, let me know, and I can fill you in on the details. But, because of band, I have a much larger amount of friends than I could have possibly hoped for (because I find it extremely difficult to make friends), and I am extremely grateful for these friends. I have also grown much closer to people I was friends with, but not super close, but now they are great friends for me.
Okay, now it's time for more depressing stuff. You are now welcomed and invited to skip this whole paragraph, because it is a meaningless rant, and it will sound very depressing, because I need to get all of this out of my system. So, I'll start off smaller, and lead up to bigger stuff, so if your reading the beginning, you don't have to read the worst of it all. So, if you didn't already know, I am the saxophone section leader in the marching band. I don't deserve that one bit. The true, only reason why I was chosen as section leader is because I'm the only vet in the section. I am definitely not the best at music (in all honesty, I'm on the lower end of the spectrum). I'm alright at marching, but the truly only reason why I'm section leader is because I'm the veteran. It's a lot of hard work that I'm not cut out for. I am an ant among musical and marching giants. One thing that bother's me a lot is how great some people say I am. (I may be confused, and people are just being sarcastic or something, but believe me, once you read through this, you wont think I'm making it up.[Great isn't necessarily the exact phrasing, just more of a general thing]) Because in all honesty, I really am not that great of a person, and I am kind of a horrible human being. And it almost hurts me when people compliment me (depends on the time, and strange, I know) because I don't believe it, and in fact, many times I believe the opposite. So, if you are still reading this, you must've noticed I am a quite depressing fellow. So, now it comes time for the heavy weighty stuff that's going to be hard for me to say, and I may end up regretting. There are many a time when I honestly hate myself. Most of the time when I think about it, I realize that there aren't many things I'm good at, or things that I like about myself. One thing I've noticed is I can adapt quickly to things, but then I plateau, or level out. I don't ever improve after that short burst, so I remain mediocre at that for the rest of my life.
I also dislike at how bad I am at talking with people, and making friends. My problem seems to be that I don't have anything to say, because a lot of times I only say things that need to be said, and a lot of times not even then. And then a lot of times I act/say things that are really stupid, and I end up regretting right after. I need to learn to think before I act. Making friends and talking to people then is increased by a multiple of 10 when it involves girls. I used to be alright around people, in elementary, but that was with a whole year of being with them all day, and it still took me a while to warm up to them, but something happened between 6th grade and 7th grade, and it's just been even harder for me. I still have trouble interacting and talking with girls, and this has lead me to fear of a lonely and long existence for my future.
I feel better now that I've finally said all of that. School is stressing me out, and I think it's because I've got to much on my plate right now, and I think my prides not letting me say that I really do. I'm not doing excellently in my classes right now, but a lot of that should change by the end of the quarter (hopefully). I've realized that I am depressed a lot, so, I don't know if people notice or not, because it seems very common to me. I have often wondered if I have clinical depression, because it has be noticed in my family, but I can't tell right now. Because anything with depression is automatically contributed to puberty and hormone imbalances caused by that. With depression, I have found that I usually am the most depressed when I am alone, and left to wander in my own thoughts, which happens quite a lot, considering the kind of person I am (described in the paragraph above).
I think that's enough tangents for now, and I don't really know where else to go with this, maybe one reason is because I'm about to fall asleep (so sorry if there's any major errors in this). I am very grateful for fall break this Thursday and Friday, I definitely need it. Marching Band season is almost over. three more competitions, and this year is done. One more regular competition tomorrow, at Davis Highschool. I'm hoping that our scores can improve a lot, but, I don't know how that will work out. Then next week (28th-30th) is Redrocks. Which means we're going down to St. George, having a competition, and then the next day going to Las Vegas for a competition, and then the next day we come home. Honestly, I am scared for our band, because of how many people really are struggling right now, and honesty don't care. That's one of my biggest beef's with people in the band right now, is that they don't care.
Well, there goes "that's enough". So, now I really mean, that's enough. So, I just want to close with saying I love my friends. I honestly would probably be living a different life style if it weren't for my friends. Like I said, I honestly love you guys, and I hope some day you can know that, whether it's from me personally telling you (if I ever get the guts) or it's from you reading this.
So, that is all. (Besides this quote I will make up and add to the end)
"We never know how fast and fleeting our life is. Never let a moment slip through your fingers, because you'll regret it once you realize you can't have it."
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Have you?
Have felt so horrible that you wanted to die? A good for nothing waste of space and time? Are you just waiting for it all to end?
Well, if you haven't, you are quite lucky. Because I have, on many a occasion.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Life and such
Life has been... interesting lately. I now I haven't posted in a while, so, sorry for all you avid readers that used to enjoy my blog. Haha, sarcasm doesn't transfer well through writing. Oh well, you can tell it's sarcasm now, because I said so. Marching band has been good, summer's done. I was surprised when I ended up being Saxophone section leader in marching band, I was surprised because I wasn't expecting it, but's it's been good. I hate not being able to understand my thoughts and or my emotions, it gets quite annoying. But, that's how it's been as long as I've cared, so, I've kinda got used to it, and then it ends up bothering me again. Sorry if this is really dumb and boring, but, it's your fault for reading this I guess. I just don't really know what to say, or how to say what I want to say, and I'm kinda a boring guy.
Oh yeah, last week I went to Yellowstone after the days of '47 parade, and it was alright, it was just kinda disappointing because it seemed like we saw more animals outside of the park than we did inside. I got some driving time done though. On Wednesday, I drove for 6 hours, and around 9-9:30 that night, I had one of the scariest experiences of my life, I was being tailgated by a semi truck, with his brights on, on a highway I had never been on before, going about 70, and it was a twisty windy road, and I knew if an animal jumped out in front of me (which was a possibility because we were in a place that was more wild, I guess you could say) and I slammed on my breaks so I wouldn't hit it, the semi would kill me. The semi ended up passing me, and I cannot describe how relieved I felt as he did.
I got my AP test results back, and I was surprised, and relieved, and happy. I ended up getting a 5 on AP Euro. For those of you who don't know, a 5 is the highest on a scale of 1-5. So, understandably, I was happy.
Oh yeah, last week I went to Yellowstone after the days of '47 parade, and it was alright, it was just kinda disappointing because it seemed like we saw more animals outside of the park than we did inside. I got some driving time done though. On Wednesday, I drove for 6 hours, and around 9-9:30 that night, I had one of the scariest experiences of my life, I was being tailgated by a semi truck, with his brights on, on a highway I had never been on before, going about 70, and it was a twisty windy road, and I knew if an animal jumped out in front of me (which was a possibility because we were in a place that was more wild, I guess you could say) and I slammed on my breaks so I wouldn't hit it, the semi would kill me. The semi ended up passing me, and I cannot describe how relieved I felt as he did.
I got my AP test results back, and I was surprised, and relieved, and happy. I ended up getting a 5 on AP Euro. For those of you who don't know, a 5 is the highest on a scale of 1-5. So, understandably, I was happy.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Region Tournament
Today was the region tournament for tennis. I played JV doubles. I was badly burned. My partner was Ryan Monson. We lost, 4-8. I feel good about how I did, but I know I could've and should've done better. But, oh well :P Tennis season is now over, and now it's time to move on to marching band (which I've already missed the first two practices of because of tennis). Also, tomorrow I have my AP test... and I haven't exactly started studding yet... but, oh well. I feel good about it. We'll just see how it goes. I'm really tired right now because of tennis. I got there around 8:30 and got home around 4:30. :P Oh well, it was good.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The Darkness
The old man's crooked finger pointed accusingly at me, as he cackled, his yellow, bent teeth, adding an evil cast to his darkened face. By the light of the fire, he croaked "Boy, I've seen where you's been. I've been where you'll be. Yuh don't want this boy. This ain't for yuh. It ain't for anyone. But you's been stupid boy, stupid!" He shouted, "and now, you's got to suffer for it. There's still time for yuh boy. But, yuh must suffer. Continue on this path though, yuh will be like me boy. Wasted and alone. Ain't nothing else to it boy. Yuh either go through hell now, or yuh go through hell latter. And when it's latter, there's no escape for yuh boy, but if yuh go through hell now, yuh's have a chance." He cackled one more time, and then the crows swarmed him, and he flew off, into the distance. Cackling the whole way, one message ringing out till he disapeared "You's gotta make a choice boy, and you's gotta do it now. There's only one chance for yuh boy. One chance... one chance... one life..." and then he was gone. But still, his words lived in my heart. They lived in my brain. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I had to do. But I couldn't do it alone. That day, I shouldered my pack, and walked on, but I wasn't alone. I had my dog with me, my faithful companion. The one person that never gave up hope on me, till the very end. That dog saved my life, and my soul, I knew. Because I could see it in that man's crazed eyes that night. I knew then that if I didn't go back, I would surely die. That was the night were I became who I was meant to be.
There's a lot of metaphors/similes type of things, relating to things that do exist. If you can find them, kudos to you :) Happy Easter Everyone :) It's the day we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Without him, there would be no purpose for life, and I hope we can remember that
There's a lot of metaphors/similes type of things, relating to things that do exist. If you can find them, kudos to you :) Happy Easter Everyone :) It's the day we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Without him, there would be no purpose for life, and I hope we can remember that
Saturday, March 26, 2011
There's times...
There are times in ones life when you just feel like crap. There's time when all you want to do is find a dark corner and sit by yourself and cry. There's times when you just wish you were dead because the whole world seems to hate you. There's times when it takes all your willpower just to keep a strait face and stop your eyes from leaking. There's times when it takes everything you got to stop yourself from tearing everything around you down, from screaming your lungs out. There's times when you hate everything.
These times suck. That's all I have to say.
its probably a good thing that my airsoft gun isn't real...
These times suck. That's all I have to say.
its probably a good thing that my airsoft gun isn't real...
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