Honesty with ranting involved

Okay, so, now it's time for me to be almost 100% honest. I've had pent up feelings bubbling inside of me for awhile now, and this is my outlet.

Before I start, I want to say first of all, I am not looking for sympathy. If you give some great, but, actually, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't want it. Empathy, sure, why not? But that's questionable too. If you want to say something, the top two things I can think of for you to say would be giving advice and something completely random (preferably something that could bring a smile to someone's face)


Okay, so, first of all [yes, I know, I've already said that, but this is the 'first of all' of what I'm talking about, not a precursor like I just did], I have to say I have incredible friends. There is a chance (I'm not sure how high, or low) that I may not even be alive today if it weren't for them, I don't know. Because of them, I want to make myself a better person, and I feel, almost out of place among amazing people like them. One thing that I can see great evidence of, dealing with how a friend has change my life, is band. If it weren't for Geoff, I wouldn't be in band. I'm not going to explain the story, because I've probably already explained it to you, but if you want to know, let me know, and I can fill you in on the details. But, because of band, I have a much larger amount of friends than I could have possibly hoped for (because I find it extremely difficult to make friends), and I am extremely grateful for these friends. I have also grown much closer to people I was friends with, but not super close, but now they are great friends for me.

Okay, now it's time for more depressing stuff. You are now welcomed and invited to skip this whole paragraph, because it is a meaningless rant, and it will sound very depressing, because I need to get all of this out of my system. So, I'll start off smaller, and lead up to bigger stuff, so if your reading the beginning, you don't have to read the worst of it all. So, if you didn't already know, I am the saxophone section leader in the marching band. I don't deserve that one bit. The true, only reason why I was chosen as section leader is because I'm the only vet in the section. I am definitely not the best at music (in all honesty, I'm on the lower end of the spectrum). I'm alright at marching, but the truly only reason why I'm section leader is because I'm the veteran. It's a lot of hard work that I'm not cut out for. I am an ant among musical and marching giants. One thing that bother's me a lot is how great some people say I am. (I may be confused, and people are just being sarcastic or something, but believe me, once you read through this, you wont think I'm making it up.[Great isn't necessarily the exact phrasing, just more of a general thing]) Because in all honesty, I really am not that great of a person, and I am kind of a horrible human being. And it almost hurts me when people compliment me (depends on the time, and strange, I know) because I don't believe it, and in fact, many times I believe the opposite. So, if you are still reading this, you must've noticed I am a quite depressing fellow. So, now it comes time for the heavy weighty stuff that's going to be hard for me to say, and I may end up regretting. There are many a time when I honestly hate myself. Most of the time when I think about it, I realize that there aren't many things I'm good at, or things that I like about myself. One thing I've noticed is I can adapt quickly to things, but then I plateau, or level out. I don't ever improve after that short burst, so I remain mediocre at that for the rest of my life.
I also dislike at how bad I am at talking with people, and making friends. My problem seems to be that I don't have anything to say, because a lot of times I only say things that need to be said, and a lot of times not even then. And then a lot of times I act/say things that are really stupid, and I end up regretting right after. I need to learn to think before I act. Making friends and talking to people then is increased by a multiple of 10 when it involves girls. I used to be alright around people, in elementary, but that was with a whole year of being with them all day, and it still took me a while to warm up to them, but something happened between 6th grade and 7th grade, and it's just been even harder for me. I still have trouble interacting and talking with girls, and this has lead me to fear of a lonely and long existence for my future.

I feel better now that I've finally said all of that. School is stressing me out, and I think it's because I've got to much on my plate right now, and I think my prides not letting me say that I really do. I'm not doing excellently in my classes right now, but a lot of that should change by the end of the quarter (hopefully). I've realized that I am depressed a lot, so, I don't know if people notice or not, because it seems very common to me. I have often wondered if I have clinical depression, because it has be noticed in my family, but I can't tell right now. Because anything with depression is automatically contributed to puberty and hormone imbalances caused by that. With depression, I have found that I usually am the most depressed when I am alone, and left to wander in my own thoughts, which happens quite a lot, considering the kind of person I am (described in the paragraph above).

I think that's enough tangents for now, and I don't really know where else to go with this, maybe one reason is because I'm about to fall asleep (so sorry if there's any major errors in this). I am very grateful for fall break this Thursday and Friday, I definitely need it. Marching Band season is almost over. three more competitions, and this year is done. One more regular competition tomorrow, at Davis Highschool. I'm hoping that our scores can improve a lot, but, I don't know how that will work out. Then next week (28th-30th) is Redrocks. Which means we're going down to St. George, having a competition, and then the next day going to Las Vegas for a competition, and then the next day we come home. Honestly, I am scared for our band, because of how many people really are struggling right now, and honesty don't care. That's one of my biggest beef's with people in the band right now, is that they don't care.

Well, there goes "that's enough". So, now I really mean, that's enough. So, I just want to close with saying I love my friends. I honestly would probably be living a different life style if it weren't for my friends. Like I said, I honestly love you guys, and I hope some day you can know that, whether it's from me personally telling you (if I ever get the guts) or it's from you reading this.

So, that is all. (Besides this quote I will make up and add to the end)

"We never know how fast and fleeting our life is. Never let a moment slip through your fingers, because you'll regret it once you realize you can't have it."