Who am I?

I've been thinking lately (a dangerous pastime I know) and I've realized that I really don't know who I am. I know my name, but I don't know how to describe myself, I don't know what my interests are. I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know anything about me. I know there are a bunch of cliche answers out there (more so depending on your culture) but I don't want a cliche answer. I want the truth. I want to know what people think when they see my name or see me. I want to know people's uncensored thoughts about me. Don't worry about offending me because I'm past caring right now. If you're reading this, I beg of you, please do this as a favor to me and tell me what you think of me. You don't have to post it as a comment, just find some way to let me know, because I feel lost and alone. And I'm scared.

Explanation

A while back, on twitter, I posted about 'some days just needing 'one''. (I wanted to use the direct quote, but I couldn't find it :P) Well, I didn't say what it was because I didn't want it to change how people act around and to me. But, In my current, drugged state, I have deemed it wise (which is parodoxyl because I just got my wisdom teeth taken out :P).







Well, what I meant by 'one' was a hug. Thre, I said it. Yeah, hugs are nice, but I'm just kind of the guy who doesn't get hugged. I'm not sure why, maybe I come off as not liking being hugged, or maybe I'm just not 'huggable'. I'll never know. But, there's my drugged rant for the day.



I decided to add this shortly after- Do you know what's nice? Just talking to people. It doesn't matter about what, but just having a conversation with somebody can just brighten up a day, and so I feel very lucky to have friends who are actually willing to talk to me (:P haha)

Things of which you shall see

So, I was thinking about why I don't care and a bunch about myself, so, basically a bunch of self-reflection and such. Well, I think I realized why I am so apathetic about everything. I think it's because, when I do feel emotions, I feel them very strongly. And when I get very emotional (meaning just feeling emotions very strongly) I loose control of myself. My throat tightens, and my eyes moisten, when I'm mad, sad, etc. I've grown afraid of myself and my feelings, and so I've repressed them. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder what, and how many, mental illnesses I have. I'm starting to think I have mild bipolarness, depression, and maybe others. Yeah, I understand that it's probably just hormonal unbalances due to puberty and such. But, still. Mental illnesses are genetic, and my grandpa had one, I have cousins that have had some, so, I wonder if I've hit the jackpot of being messed up.



Yesterday was... interesting. (Yesterday being December 16, 2011). I told myself I would be happy, and for the beginning I was. I tried to keep a smile on my face, even though it's harder for me because my face is so unaccustomed to it, and I did alright. Then in English, after my vocab test, I tried to sleep (unsuccessfully) and my thoughts wandered, which is never a good thing. And then for some explainable reason, I crashed, burned, and fell into Tartarus in a matter of seconds. I don't know why, and I probably won't. But, it was horrible. I was cast into a bout of depression I haven't felt for a long time, if ever. And the weirdest part I didn't know why. Usually I know why I'm feeling the way I am when I'm like that, and I usually have a reason, but, I didn't this time. It was horrible, and I was not in the mood for being around people, which I had to because it was my family Christmas party. But, when the two biggest families on that side have other things that they are doing, it makes a smaller crowd, which was nice, and so by the end of the day I started feeling better. But, it was the worst I have ever felt, and I think it was made worse by the fact I didn't have a reason for it.



Do you know what's nice? Friends that understand how things are, and have very similar thought process's as you. Friends that you can talk about girls, and they understand where your coming from and visa versa. Friends like that are pretty awesome, and I'm glad I have one like Calvin. He helped me feel better, or better understand, the way things are, and just so you all know, he is pretty fantastic.


That is all.

The eyes of confusion

So, this is going to be a very... interesting (?) post. More of a rant really.



Random spaces to make it so what I'm going to say, which could be found offensive, isn't the first thing you see

































You know what is very annoying? Awesome girls. I mean, honestly, could you stop being so awesome all the time? That way guys (like me) don't have as many things to worry about. Stop messing with our heads and hearts (intentionally or unintentionally) and let us have a respite. Please? Like, really, pretty please with a inch-thick layer of chocolate on top?


Anyways, life is pretty confusing. Understandably, because if someone understood it, they would have written a 'How To' guide and made millions. But, I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure who I am, and I'm not sure if I want to find out. I just need to make my decision, and go 'the whole hog' as Huck would say.





I wish I didn't worry so much about what other people think of me. In all honesty, it doesn't really matter, and I need to get over my fear and stop worrying about it. Gosh darn it, why I'm I so dumb?


I feel like I'm stuck in a swamp of self-pity, and, I need to stop looking at the lights, and the dead bodies, and follow Gollum on the paths that are safe. (refer to Lord of the Rings the Twin Towers)

I really don't know what I'm saying... I'm kinda just prolonging the inevitability of me getting off and doing dishes, and posting this.

You know what is awesome? Awesome friends. Somehow I got stuck with friends that actually care. How that happened, I have no idea, but, I won't complain about my luck. Speaking of luck, I try not to trust in it, because I seem to have bad luck, and I'd rather not rely on that too much, right?

Well, that's about all I can really say, and I'm lucky I said this much (:P), but, I guess that's it.

If you made it to the end, I think you deserve a gold star. So now go do something with your life, don't stick stuff in peoples ears (because, at least for me, I know I don't have signs on them saying "Insert something of your choice here!"), and if you're working on a story, go write it instead of reading about my crap :)



































But, if you read this far, you are either a stalker, or a pretty good friend, or a stranger. I'm just going to assume the second, so, I'm ignoring the other two. So, thanks being a good friend, I really do appreciate it, even if I may not show it (which I am sorry about).

I guess that's all the time I can waste now, so, until next time my avid readers, ado. (That's funny because I don't have any avid readers :) haha)

Friek

I don't know what to think anymore. I tired of life, and I just want to give on, and float along through the water, letting the tide carry my body to shore. I wish that I actually felt needed, instead of being just a burden of depression. I just want to understand myself...

I fear this may be a pivotal time in my life, right now, and there is no easy roads. (To roughly paraphrase a quote from Inheritance ). No matter what I do, I fear, it will have repercussions through the rest of my life. I really just need an outlet, and I don't have one.

Life is just freaking hectic, and like I said, I just want to give up.

Friek

Story Time... From my life in the pit

Okay, so these stories are from when I was in the pit in the musical, and it's written collectively by Tyler, Kristianna, and I. You probably won't be able to tell where each person wrote, and I won't separate it, so don't worry about.


First Story)
The princess banged on the door, wishing it would open. She was in desperate need of food, and it was raining. The door remained closed, she looked over her shoulder and saw they were getting close. Running short on hope with the door, she looked around for another means of escape. She opened her utility belt and grabbed her shark repellent can. A hand grasped her mouth, and then everything went black.... (yes, on the paper there were four dots)
She woke in a cold, dark room with cold chains keeping her stationary. The door remained closed. Actually, the door was open, but that didn't matter since she was chained. to keep her mind awake and active, she started singing her favorite song, Nellie the Elephant. She looked down then back up, the chains were now diamonds. Since the door was still open, she took a few diamonds, because she wasn't greedy, and ran out the OPEN door. But, to her dismay, she crashed into an invisible door, and fell on her back, full of dismay. She was pretty dismayed. But then she realized she wasn't dismayed at all, but actually very happy, "Trolled by my own body again... Dangit," emphasizing the dang it with with a fist pound on the ground, which caused the floor to fall, "my," her brain thought, "this is a run on sentence." The princess, May, decided then to escape her prison. But it really wasn't a prison, because hadn't seen any guards. But, shed decided, it was really a prison because, in all technicalities, she was a prisoner.
Using her stealthy Asian powers, she daringly picked the invisible door with a hairpin. Using her Jamacian powers (her family was royalty, so she had many powers) she quickly ran away, going as fast as shed could to jungle, with a trumpity trump, but sadly she forgot to pakcer her trunk.
There she saw a door the seemingly lead to nowere. The door remaind closed, but, the door, oddly enough, lacked a middle, so it was mor like and arch, so she walked through, ignoring the protests of the door handle. Unfortunately, the door didn't really lead anywhere so she continued onward. However, things started to look strang; the trees were warped, there were blue leaves instead of green, as well as bowls of soup floating around. *Intermission Music here (because I'm lazy)* Our feature presentation brought to you by Head On^(R), "Apply directly to the forehead", now, back to your feature presentation.
Asmerelda (actually it's May), the princess, thought to herself "What a LAZY Asian!" And then wondered why she thought it, but it didn't matter, then she tried to figure out why she thought of so many stereotypes all the time. She stalled a bit longer. And then more... And then she saw a sign that said "Magic Elixir This Way! -->", (that's supposed to be an arrow) so she followed the signs for awhile (long enough to take up part of a sentence, but not long enough to be a full sentence) until she reached a courtyard with a pedestal in the center (the pedestal was surrounded by signs saying things like "Here it is") and on that pedestal was a can of Mountain Dew^(trademarked limited/(R)), and it made her mouth water, but she couldn't tell from there what flavor it was (and of course she though about run on sentences again). May drank some Dew. She concluded that it was the flavor of pure awesomeness in a can, then she read the backs of the signs, all of which had signs of warning, saying she would '_Blank_ forever'
May sighed, of course the painter left a blank, that troll; then something on the corner of the sign caught her eye, she examined it and saw that it was a troll face. That was the last thing she ever saw.
SHE WENT BLIND! But she could still see with her ears because she had the uncanny ability to hear everything, and that created pictures in her mind. She saw a gun next to the now empty can of Dew, with a sign saying 'You'll need this', sh she picked it up and shot her self. But it was blank. She was pretty dismayed, and she said "I am disappoint."
She Died


Second Story)

It was a dark and stormy night... never mind, that's to cliche- It was a bright and sunny day in the meadow, bee's were frolicking and rabbits were buzzing. The wind grazed the top of the luscious trees, all of voluminous, rich pines. The flowers were not beginning to blossom; in fact, they were already in FULL blossom. Suddenly, seemingly just to ruin the mood, a large, scaly foot crashed down, crushing the leaping rabbits. The world revolved in a splendid array of color as a joyous ode burst forth from the foots opening, celebrating and basking in the pure glory of The Meadow. The foot smelt band. The plants around the foot wilted and died *Camera zoom out* The owner of the foot was a one-scaly-legged hunkle-stoppe, the poisonous kind. She hopped around proudly displaying the singing limb in her hands, pleased at the purchase she'd garnered. She turned her head, hair flying behind her, with birds nested in the high purchases, and ran back to what she called her home. "Dinner" She stood outside the door, trying to get access to her home, shouting "Dinner!" to tempt those inside to open the door.But to no avail, the door remained closed. However, someone jumped out the window. She sighed glumly. She ran and tackled the robber, punching him until he dropped like a stone. Then, with the clothing from the back of the robber, she mad a fire in which she intended to cook the singing limb, seeing as she couldn't use her kitchen because of secret enchantments put on the house by the robber, whom she killed. So, she sat, as the poisonous limb steamed and bubbled, staring intently into the dancing flames, memories of her past dancing in her eyes, blocking the light of the flame.

"...In a dark night, in the middle of the day, two dead boys stood up to play... With a ball in one hand, a dagger in the other, their play turned deadly towards each other. Their mother thought it was all in play- young Hunkle-Stoppe's often fought with knives. She looked back down and continued her knitting. Her head shot up when a duet of screams broke the morning stillness. Her two boys were laying on the ground, their knives stuck in the others chest. "At least they both laid in rest."
Her food was finished cooking as her last thoughts of a different life played in her mind. She had once vowed that when she came to this planet, she would leave that life of government conspiracies and secrets behind her. She hated the mask of a simpleton she was forced to wear. It weighed her down. Her neighbors had commented about stooped shoulders, seemingly becoming more obvious every day. One day, she snapped.
...

She awoke with a painful, hazy cloud in her mind "What happened?..." Images flooded through her mind, bodies laying on the ground. She snapped out of her haze and examined herself- she was covered in blood. She didn't know who she was, where she came from, what she was doing, what had happened, or what she was going to do. A cat came and started meowing, begging for attention. She shewed it away, it was something about a note... Someone not giving her a note maybe? Yes... she was supposed to deliver a note; in fact, that _was_ her purpose in life. Reaching down into her pocket, she felt it. She pulled out a blank index card. Anger filled the remnants of her soul. Reaching into her pocket, she was dismayed. A door appeared. It was not open.
She Died



Third Story) (There is a rhyme scheme in this... see if you can spot it)

There once was a very large tree named Rock. He enjoyed the view at the dock. For he was an Ash tree growing near the beach. And his loving father always did teach to grow equally up and out, so he would be a strong tree. Years he spent growing tall and stout, a strong Ash others would see. That's where he got his name from, because threes get their names once they are a little older, so their name matches their personality. Rock was happy in his kingdom, but one day a man with an ax on his shoulder, tried to chop Rock down -- Fatality. Fatality for the man of course, his bark was rock hard, and the man's ax broke; the attempt angered Rock, so he strangled the man with one of his roots, squeezing so hard his head pooped off. Rock was please with this new power source, he could break through any guard, and their throats he'd choke; so he left the dock, and saw a peddler, peddling flutes - he was stuck in a trough. Rock offered his assistance, but the man declined. Surprised at his resistance, Rock walked around for others to find. Looking, he sought for those in a bind.

* * * * * *
Late that night, Rock smiled. That day he had done many good deeds, like saving a young child. He'd always enjoyed a good meal. He had always been in the mindset that food had the power to heal. He settled in the shady meadow, blood dripping from his roots. He had torn robbers feet from inside their boots.... He awoke with a start. A torch was pointed at the location of his wooden heart. He saw three spears, one pointed at his appendix, one at his esophagus, and one at his liver. On each mans back was a loaded quiver. "You've murdered our children, our men, and taken our liberties!"
"I did not!" Rocker said, "Now, no more fiberies!"
"What happened to our child, you ruffian?"
"Last I saw he was eating a poppy-seed muffin."
"You've taken him you monster!"
One of the men shouted, "I bet he made him into a custard!"
Rock could not answer because he was so flustered. He could not believe his incredibly horrible luck! The men circled around Rock, chanting "Rjech chake noop, Rjech chake noop."
"You've been duped!" Rock said, panicked,"Duped I say! Duped!"
Then, Rock activated his powers of the pooped! He called them, his 'trees power of soup.' Most of the time he wasn't sure what all he could accomplish, but now he just prayed it would help him kill these foes.
The men continued chanting, "Rock waake upp! Rock wake up! Rock wake up!"
Rock groaned, the jumped up with a "Hup!" "I just had the strangest dream..."

THE END



There's the stories... haha

Honesty with ranting involved

Okay, so, now it's time for me to be almost 100% honest. I've had pent up feelings bubbling inside of me for awhile now, and this is my outlet.

Before I start, I want to say first of all, I am not looking for sympathy. If you give some great, but, actually, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't want it. Empathy, sure, why not? But that's questionable too. If you want to say something, the top two things I can think of for you to say would be giving advice and something completely random (preferably something that could bring a smile to someone's face)


Okay, so, first of all [yes, I know, I've already said that, but this is the 'first of all' of what I'm talking about, not a precursor like I just did], I have to say I have incredible friends. There is a chance (I'm not sure how high, or low) that I may not even be alive today if it weren't for them, I don't know. Because of them, I want to make myself a better person, and I feel, almost out of place among amazing people like them. One thing that I can see great evidence of, dealing with how a friend has change my life, is band. If it weren't for Geoff, I wouldn't be in band. I'm not going to explain the story, because I've probably already explained it to you, but if you want to know, let me know, and I can fill you in on the details. But, because of band, I have a much larger amount of friends than I could have possibly hoped for (because I find it extremely difficult to make friends), and I am extremely grateful for these friends. I have also grown much closer to people I was friends with, but not super close, but now they are great friends for me.

Okay, now it's time for more depressing stuff. You are now welcomed and invited to skip this whole paragraph, because it is a meaningless rant, and it will sound very depressing, because I need to get all of this out of my system. So, I'll start off smaller, and lead up to bigger stuff, so if your reading the beginning, you don't have to read the worst of it all. So, if you didn't already know, I am the saxophone section leader in the marching band. I don't deserve that one bit. The true, only reason why I was chosen as section leader is because I'm the only vet in the section. I am definitely not the best at music (in all honesty, I'm on the lower end of the spectrum). I'm alright at marching, but the truly only reason why I'm section leader is because I'm the veteran. It's a lot of hard work that I'm not cut out for. I am an ant among musical and marching giants. One thing that bother's me a lot is how great some people say I am. (I may be confused, and people are just being sarcastic or something, but believe me, once you read through this, you wont think I'm making it up.[Great isn't necessarily the exact phrasing, just more of a general thing]) Because in all honesty, I really am not that great of a person, and I am kind of a horrible human being. And it almost hurts me when people compliment me (depends on the time, and strange, I know) because I don't believe it, and in fact, many times I believe the opposite. So, if you are still reading this, you must've noticed I am a quite depressing fellow. So, now it comes time for the heavy weighty stuff that's going to be hard for me to say, and I may end up regretting. There are many a time when I honestly hate myself. Most of the time when I think about it, I realize that there aren't many things I'm good at, or things that I like about myself. One thing I've noticed is I can adapt quickly to things, but then I plateau, or level out. I don't ever improve after that short burst, so I remain mediocre at that for the rest of my life.
I also dislike at how bad I am at talking with people, and making friends. My problem seems to be that I don't have anything to say, because a lot of times I only say things that need to be said, and a lot of times not even then. And then a lot of times I act/say things that are really stupid, and I end up regretting right after. I need to learn to think before I act. Making friends and talking to people then is increased by a multiple of 10 when it involves girls. I used to be alright around people, in elementary, but that was with a whole year of being with them all day, and it still took me a while to warm up to them, but something happened between 6th grade and 7th grade, and it's just been even harder for me. I still have trouble interacting and talking with girls, and this has lead me to fear of a lonely and long existence for my future.

I feel better now that I've finally said all of that. School is stressing me out, and I think it's because I've got to much on my plate right now, and I think my prides not letting me say that I really do. I'm not doing excellently in my classes right now, but a lot of that should change by the end of the quarter (hopefully). I've realized that I am depressed a lot, so, I don't know if people notice or not, because it seems very common to me. I have often wondered if I have clinical depression, because it has be noticed in my family, but I can't tell right now. Because anything with depression is automatically contributed to puberty and hormone imbalances caused by that. With depression, I have found that I usually am the most depressed when I am alone, and left to wander in my own thoughts, which happens quite a lot, considering the kind of person I am (described in the paragraph above).

I think that's enough tangents for now, and I don't really know where else to go with this, maybe one reason is because I'm about to fall asleep (so sorry if there's any major errors in this). I am very grateful for fall break this Thursday and Friday, I definitely need it. Marching Band season is almost over. three more competitions, and this year is done. One more regular competition tomorrow, at Davis Highschool. I'm hoping that our scores can improve a lot, but, I don't know how that will work out. Then next week (28th-30th) is Redrocks. Which means we're going down to St. George, having a competition, and then the next day going to Las Vegas for a competition, and then the next day we come home. Honestly, I am scared for our band, because of how many people really are struggling right now, and honesty don't care. That's one of my biggest beef's with people in the band right now, is that they don't care.

Well, there goes "that's enough". So, now I really mean, that's enough. So, I just want to close with saying I love my friends. I honestly would probably be living a different life style if it weren't for my friends. Like I said, I honestly love you guys, and I hope some day you can know that, whether it's from me personally telling you (if I ever get the guts) or it's from you reading this.

So, that is all. (Besides this quote I will make up and add to the end)

"We never know how fast and fleeting our life is. Never let a moment slip through your fingers, because you'll regret it once you realize you can't have it."

Have you?

Have felt so horrible that you wanted to die? A good for nothing waste of space and time? Are you just waiting for it all to end? Well, if you haven't, you are quite lucky. Because I have, on many a occasion.

Life and such

Life has been... interesting lately. I now I haven't posted in a while, so, sorry for all you avid readers that used to enjoy my blog. Haha, sarcasm doesn't transfer well through writing. Oh well, you can tell it's sarcasm now, because I said so. Marching band has been good, summer's done. I was surprised when I ended up being Saxophone section leader in marching band, I was surprised because I wasn't expecting it, but's it's been good. I hate not being able to understand my thoughts and or my emotions, it gets quite annoying. But, that's how it's been as long as I've cared, so, I've kinda got used to it, and then it ends up bothering me again. Sorry if this is really dumb and boring, but, it's your fault for reading this I guess. I just don't really know what to say, or how to say what I want to say, and I'm kinda a boring guy.

Oh yeah, last week I went to Yellowstone after the days of '47 parade, and it was alright, it was just kinda disappointing  because it seemed like we saw more animals outside of the park than we did inside. I got some driving time done though. On Wednesday, I drove for 6 hours, and around 9-9:30 that night, I had one of the scariest experiences of my life, I was being tailgated by a semi truck, with his brights on, on a highway I had never been on before, going about 70, and it was a twisty windy road, and I knew if an animal jumped out in front of me (which was a possibility because we were in a place that was more wild, I guess you could say) and I slammed on my breaks so I wouldn't hit it, the semi would kill me. The semi ended up passing me, and I cannot describe how relieved I felt as he did.

I got my AP test results back, and I was surprised, and relieved, and happy. I ended up getting a 5 on AP Euro. For those of you who don't know, a 5 is the highest on a scale of 1-5. So, understandably, I was happy.

Region Tournament

Today was the region tournament for tennis. I played JV doubles. I was badly burned. My partner was Ryan Monson. We lost, 4-8. I feel good about how I did, but I know I could've and should've done better. But, oh well :P Tennis season is now over, and now it's time to move on to marching band (which I've already missed the first two practices of because of tennis). Also, tomorrow I have my AP test... and I haven't exactly started studding yet... but, oh well. I feel good about it. We'll just see how it goes. I'm really tired right now because of tennis. I got there around 8:30 and got home around 4:30. :P Oh well, it was good.

The Darkness

The old man's crooked finger pointed accusingly at me, as he cackled, his yellow, bent teeth, adding an evil cast to his darkened face. By the light of the fire, he croaked "Boy, I've seen where you's been. I've been where you'll be. Yuh don't want this boy. This ain't for yuh. It ain't for anyone. But you's been stupid boy, stupid!" He shouted, "and now, you's got to suffer for it. There's still time for yuh boy. But, yuh must suffer. Continue on this path though, yuh will be like me boy. Wasted and alone. Ain't nothing else to it boy. Yuh either go through hell now, or yuh go through hell latter. And when it's latter, there's no escape for yuh boy, but if yuh go through hell now, yuh's have a chance." He cackled one more time, and then the crows swarmed him, and he flew off, into the distance. Cackling the whole way, one message ringing out till he disapeared "You's gotta make a choice boy, and you's gotta do it now. There's only one chance for yuh boy. One chance... one chance... one life..." and then he was gone. But still, his words lived in my heart. They lived in my brain. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I had to do. But I couldn't do it alone. That day, I shouldered my pack, and walked on, but I wasn't alone. I had my dog with me, my faithful companion. The one person that never gave up hope on me, till the very end. That dog saved my life, and my soul, I knew. Because I could see it in that man's crazed eyes that night. I knew then that if I didn't go back, I would surely die. That was the night were I became who I was meant to be.




There's a lot of metaphors/similes type of things, relating to things that do exist. If you can find them, kudos to you :) Happy Easter Everyone :) It's the day we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Without him, there would be no purpose for life, and I hope we can remember that

There's times...

There are times in ones life when you just feel like crap. There's time when all you want to do is find a dark corner and sit by yourself and cry. There's times when you just wish you were dead because the whole world seems to hate you. There's times when it takes all your willpower just to keep a strait face and stop your eyes from leaking. There's times when it takes everything you got to stop yourself from tearing everything around you down, from screaming your lungs out. There's times when you hate everything.



These times suck. That's all I have to say.
















its probably a good thing that my airsoft gun isn't real...

Tennis

So today I had pretty much my favorite match of all time, and that is due to the fact that I played against one of my best friends that I haven't seen for awhile. It was amazing. And the weather was way nice too :D I lost though, but I played good, it was 8 to 5, and I got some really nice shots in. I had a blast. I am pretty much in an amazing mood right now :D :D :) :) :D :D :) :)

I really don't have a title for this

My head has been spinning lately... It's a disconcerting feeling, let me tell you. And it's not only my head that's been spinning. Stupid emotions... always make life more confusing. Some people are just amazing... and I wish I could tell them that, but, you know me. That isn't me, I can't do that. The song 'When I Think of You' applies very well to life at points and time... Well, I was planning on more, but, I can't think of things to say

Title I can't think of a name for

Life has been lifey. That's all I have to say. It has it's ups, and it's downs, sometimes unbalanced, but it's life. Owl City is pretty much one of my favorite artists/groups. Owl City can always make me happy when I'm in a bad mood. So, I don't really know what I'm saying. So, I think I should stop now before I bore you to death :)

Songs

So, I'm in the mood to type songs I've written up here, so a couple things:

1)I'm not sure if some of them are finished

2) I'm going to number them so it makes it easer for you to tell me what you think

3) I know I'm not very good, but, I want your insight


1)Who You Are

What you do
Is who you are
If you stay strong
You will go far

Life is tough
It's a truth indeed
If it gets rough
Just lean on me

You know who you are
You must stay true
Jump o'r the bar
And stay you!

What you do
Is who you are
If you stay strong
You will go far

To make it out
Of this crazy game
Be you and shout
Stay true to your name

Smile and laugh
For you are loved
These times will pass
You've got to stand up

What you do
Is who you are
If you stay strong
You will go far

Life is short
Do what you will
Make your choice
And live your life!


2)I wanna give up

Life is too much
I just wanna give up

I walk through each day
Never knowing what to say
I don't know where to go
I don't know what I know

Live is too much
I just wanna give up

Life is one big ugly beast
Showing me its ugly teeth
Bearing them with evil might
I don't know what to fight

Life is to much
I just wanna give up

I want to give in
Fall on the next bend
I don't know what's happening
I can't make sense of anything

Life is looking me
Right in the eye
Giving me
A way to die

My sword is gone
I've given up
I've set alight the
deadly bomb

Life is too much
I just wanna give up

I've walked forward one last step
My hear is done
it can't forget
All the pain it's felt

Life is too much
I just want to give up


3)Map to your heart

I always want to talk to you
But every time I do
I always start to drown in your eyes
Your lovely eyes

Give me a map
Cause I am lost
I need a map
A map to your heart

I walk along each day
And my heart skips a beat
Every time I see
Ever time I see your face

Give me a map
Cause I am lost
I need a map
A map to your heart

I want you to know
The way my heart feels
Every time I hear your voice
Every time I see your face

I need a map
A GPS
I am lost
In your eyes

Give me a map
Cause I am lost
I need a map to your
I need a map
or I will die
I need a map
to
Your
heart


4)Insanity


I need to break free
From this insanity
The end is near
But it's too far to see

I'm rushing forward
I'm sprinting
I'm pushing myself
I gotta get out
Of this mad house
I don't belong in here
I gotta get out
of this jail cell
I don't wan't to be here

Ooh! I need to break free
From this insanity
The end is near
But it's too far to see

Every night
On the first star
I make a wish
Deep in my heart
I wish for wings
So I could fly
Away from here
And be by your side

Walls are coming
Closing in
I'm claustrophobic
Gettin' crowded in
I want to get away from here
I want to fly away from here
I want my freedom
I want my life
I want to be with you, tonight


5)Concrete Wall

I wonder why the sky is blue
or why the stars twinkle and shine
But I sit and think of you
and how I wish your love was mine

But I've built a wall
Around my heart
Hiding it from the world
I've built a concrete wall

I wish for things that cannot be
I hope for things that aren't
Darling, I love you so
But you just don't know
Where you are in my heart

But I've built a wall
Around my heart
Hiding it from the world
I've built a concrete wall

You do not know my feelings
You do not know my thoughts
To you, we are only friends
To me, you are only amazing

You are beautiful
inside and out
You have the spirit of an angel
here on Earth

But I've built a wall
Around my heart
Hiding it from the world
I've built a concrete wall

You don't know how I feel
I know you don't care
You are my light and hope
But, I am scared

But I've built a wall
Around my heart
Hiding it from the world
I've built a concrete wall

I say nothing for I am scared of pain
If you ask
I wan't say your name
I'll think it to myself
and shrug my shoulders
Hiding myself behind
A concrete wall

But I've built a wall
Around my heart
Hiding it from the world
I've built a concrete wall


6) Down and lost

Life has got me down
And it won't let me back up
I'm stuck with this frown
I'm stuck in the much

I'm down and lost
In the shadow
I've lost my way
I'm lost in a cave

I wander around
This misery
I drag my feet
And look without eyes

I'm down and lost
in the shadows
I've lost my way
I'm lost in the cave

I'm lost and alone
I am scared of life
I am chilled to the bone
Life is full of strife

I'm lost from all
And I can't be found
I am abandoned
And I haven't a home

I'm down and lost
In the shadow
I've lost my way
I'm lost in a cave

No one is here for me
No one wants to stand by me
Who would want to help a fallen man
Who would want to risk my pain

I'm down and lost
In the shadow
I'm lost in the cave
I'm down in the dark
I'm down and lost from all
I'm down and lost from light
I'm down and lost


7)Lost hope


I used to walk in sunlight
I used to be happy
But now I'm in shadow
And I've lost all hope

I've lost hope
I can't go on
I can't escape from this darkness
I've given up

Shadows swirl around my feet
Grabbing my ankles, slowing me down
They don't let me go
They don't let go

I've lost hope
I'm giving up
I'm in the shadows
I've had enough

Light can't reach this darkness
I fell to the bottomless pit
I'm stuck in the mud
And can't get up
Hope is gone, I've given up

I've lost hope
I can't go on
I've given up
I've given my all
But it's not enough

Life is through
There's no one left
Life is over
I've given up


8)Shadows

Shadows loom
Leaning in
Waiting for the final boom
And kill my kin

I'm all alone
The darkness has stolen
All that mean something to me
I won't stop
I will fight
To make it to the light

I have a flame
I have a sword
I can not go the way I came
I will fight, you have my word
I'm on my way
To the light

I'm all alone
The darkness has stolen
All that meant something to me
But I wont' stop
I will fight
To make it to the light

I've stumbled on my way
Sometimes I've fallen
But I can make it
I'm not alone
My sword is sharp
I will kill
The shadows
I will return to the light
I'm done with shadows


9)Wake up

I've got to wake up
And raise my head
Escape the slumber
Leave the dead

Life is a fog
I can't see the path
I've got to get a light
But I need a match

I've got to wake up
and raise my head
Escape my slumber
And leave my dead

I've waded through life
Never really trying
No more can I
Ride the stream

'Cause I've got to wake up
and raise my head
Escape the slumber
Of the dead

My journey has gone
Up a mountain side
I've looked down on the road

I've made my choices
I've chosen to change
i'm gonna change
I've gotta change

I have to wake up
Or I join the dead
I have to leave my slumber
I raise my head


9)Shaded Mind


I've lived my life
in the shadow
Away from people
I've hide my face
In the shadow
Away from people

But I'm done!
I'm done hiding
I'm done running
I'm going to stand
With my sword in hand
I will fight for you
I will fight for you
I will fight for you

You lead me out
Of the shadows
Into people
You took my life
From the shadows
Into people

Now I'm done
I'm done hiding
I'm done running
I'm going to stand
With my sword in my hand
I will fight for you
Because you fought for me
I will fight for you

You took my life
Into sunshine
With people
You've changed my mind
Into joy
Into freedom

I will not go back
I'm not hiding
I'm not running
I will stand
With my sword in hand
I will fight for you
I will fight for you
Because I love you

You've changed my life
for the better
For the best
You've helped me change
Into a man
Into your hero
Because that's what
I want to be
Be you hero
Because I love you


As I said their not very good, but comments on them would be cool

Release of pent up feelings and such

I've been thinking the past few days... and I have figured out my deepest desire I had as a kid... and before that I had figured out my deepest fear.

As a kid I always enjoyed the middle ages stuff. It was my passion. I would play pretend with my siblings, and we would:
a) Play a 'school' of sorts, were we learned fighting stuff
b) Be deserted on an island and make a 'camp' and fight natives

There was more, those are just the two I can bring to mind. But, I've always wanted to be a knight. I've always wanted to be on top of a horse in armor, with a sword in one hand, and my shield with my family crest on the other. I think this might be why I've always preferred the books/movies with this stuff. I don't want to be a knight to kill people... that's not why. I don't really know why, I just always wanted to. I wanted to be the one to slay the dragon and save the princess per say. I wanted the excitement and adventure. I would serve my king loyally, not seeking power, and I would kill when the need arose, but I would not enjoy it. Chances are though, if I lived in that time, it's more thank likely I would have just been a peasant, or a serf, and worked my days on a farm. But, nonetheless, I don't know... I've just wanted to be a knight, at Arthur's court, serving the Pendragon king.

My deepest fear... I think it's a deepest fear of many people, I would be surprised if it wasn't. But, when I found for myself, I was surprised at how much this means to me...

My deepest fear is to be alone, unloved, and forgotten. I'm not sure why, but I think as humans we are scared of being alone. We need to around other people to feel safe and secure. Yeah, there are a few anomalies, but there always is. My deepest fear is pretty ironic, don't you think? Considering my personality

Last night was pretty depressing... I had sad scary thoughts in my last few waking moments. The first one is a possible reality that I have. As soon as I'm old enough I move out, far away, and get a minimum wage job, no friends, no one, all alone... I don't know

The second one was more of something I felt that I needed to do. I felt like I needed to be on horse, away -for a time- from people. And if not a horse, my bike

Haha... I'm kinda sad aren't I?

Oh well, I don't care if you've read this far, but, I feel better for getting these things out. :)

Remember, life is fleeting. Never do something you might regret, because you might never get to fix it. Remember to tell the people that are important to you that they are, and that you love them. You don't know what your last words may be, and you don't want to part forever on bad terms.

That said, to all my wonderful friends out there, thank you so much for everything you have done for me. I love you guys

2011 wow

So, today is the first day of 2011. Wow. That's all I have to say. W-o-w. Wow. If you are confused on my surprised, read on. If not, read on, so, basically, read on :). 2010 seemed to go way to fast for me. It was a short but long year. I had so much happen in what seemed a short space of time... do you want to hear some? Of course you do, you're still reading :)

I did Tennis in the spring, and I'm planning on doing it this year
I did mariachi with my Middle School
I taught myself to play Tenor Sax
I did Summer marching band
I went on and survived trek
I went to EFY
I did fall marching band (on got the most comfortable black shoes ever :D)
I survived the first quarter of high school :P
I did this blog post.... just kidding! I was talking about last year, and this blog post is this year ;)

So, I guess those are the major events of last year, they may not seem like much to you, but to me, they meant a lot. :D