Things of which you shall see

So, I was thinking about why I don't care and a bunch about myself, so, basically a bunch of self-reflection and such. Well, I think I realized why I am so apathetic about everything. I think it's because, when I do feel emotions, I feel them very strongly. And when I get very emotional (meaning just feeling emotions very strongly) I loose control of myself. My throat tightens, and my eyes moisten, when I'm mad, sad, etc. I've grown afraid of myself and my feelings, and so I've repressed them. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder what, and how many, mental illnesses I have. I'm starting to think I have mild bipolarness, depression, and maybe others. Yeah, I understand that it's probably just hormonal unbalances due to puberty and such. But, still. Mental illnesses are genetic, and my grandpa had one, I have cousins that have had some, so, I wonder if I've hit the jackpot of being messed up.



Yesterday was... interesting. (Yesterday being December 16, 2011). I told myself I would be happy, and for the beginning I was. I tried to keep a smile on my face, even though it's harder for me because my face is so unaccustomed to it, and I did alright. Then in English, after my vocab test, I tried to sleep (unsuccessfully) and my thoughts wandered, which is never a good thing. And then for some explainable reason, I crashed, burned, and fell into Tartarus in a matter of seconds. I don't know why, and I probably won't. But, it was horrible. I was cast into a bout of depression I haven't felt for a long time, if ever. And the weirdest part I didn't know why. Usually I know why I'm feeling the way I am when I'm like that, and I usually have a reason, but, I didn't this time. It was horrible, and I was not in the mood for being around people, which I had to because it was my family Christmas party. But, when the two biggest families on that side have other things that they are doing, it makes a smaller crowd, which was nice, and so by the end of the day I started feeling better. But, it was the worst I have ever felt, and I think it was made worse by the fact I didn't have a reason for it.



Do you know what's nice? Friends that understand how things are, and have very similar thought process's as you. Friends that you can talk about girls, and they understand where your coming from and visa versa. Friends like that are pretty awesome, and I'm glad I have one like Calvin. He helped me feel better, or better understand, the way things are, and just so you all know, he is pretty fantastic.


That is all.