Who am I?

I've been thinking lately (a dangerous pastime I know) and I've realized that I really don't know who I am. I know my name, but I don't know how to describe myself, I don't know what my interests are. I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know anything about me. I know there are a bunch of cliche answers out there (more so depending on your culture) but I don't want a cliche answer. I want the truth. I want to know what people think when they see my name or see me. I want to know people's uncensored thoughts about me. Don't worry about offending me because I'm past caring right now. If you're reading this, I beg of you, please do this as a favor to me and tell me what you think of me. You don't have to post it as a comment, just find some way to let me know, because I feel lost and alone. And I'm scared.

Explanation

A while back, on twitter, I posted about 'some days just needing 'one''. (I wanted to use the direct quote, but I couldn't find it :P) Well, I didn't say what it was because I didn't want it to change how people act around and to me. But, In my current, drugged state, I have deemed it wise (which is parodoxyl because I just got my wisdom teeth taken out :P).







Well, what I meant by 'one' was a hug. Thre, I said it. Yeah, hugs are nice, but I'm just kind of the guy who doesn't get hugged. I'm not sure why, maybe I come off as not liking being hugged, or maybe I'm just not 'huggable'. I'll never know. But, there's my drugged rant for the day.



I decided to add this shortly after- Do you know what's nice? Just talking to people. It doesn't matter about what, but just having a conversation with somebody can just brighten up a day, and so I feel very lucky to have friends who are actually willing to talk to me (:P haha)

Things of which you shall see

So, I was thinking about why I don't care and a bunch about myself, so, basically a bunch of self-reflection and such. Well, I think I realized why I am so apathetic about everything. I think it's because, when I do feel emotions, I feel them very strongly. And when I get very emotional (meaning just feeling emotions very strongly) I loose control of myself. My throat tightens, and my eyes moisten, when I'm mad, sad, etc. I've grown afraid of myself and my feelings, and so I've repressed them. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder what, and how many, mental illnesses I have. I'm starting to think I have mild bipolarness, depression, and maybe others. Yeah, I understand that it's probably just hormonal unbalances due to puberty and such. But, still. Mental illnesses are genetic, and my grandpa had one, I have cousins that have had some, so, I wonder if I've hit the jackpot of being messed up.



Yesterday was... interesting. (Yesterday being December 16, 2011). I told myself I would be happy, and for the beginning I was. I tried to keep a smile on my face, even though it's harder for me because my face is so unaccustomed to it, and I did alright. Then in English, after my vocab test, I tried to sleep (unsuccessfully) and my thoughts wandered, which is never a good thing. And then for some explainable reason, I crashed, burned, and fell into Tartarus in a matter of seconds. I don't know why, and I probably won't. But, it was horrible. I was cast into a bout of depression I haven't felt for a long time, if ever. And the weirdest part I didn't know why. Usually I know why I'm feeling the way I am when I'm like that, and I usually have a reason, but, I didn't this time. It was horrible, and I was not in the mood for being around people, which I had to because it was my family Christmas party. But, when the two biggest families on that side have other things that they are doing, it makes a smaller crowd, which was nice, and so by the end of the day I started feeling better. But, it was the worst I have ever felt, and I think it was made worse by the fact I didn't have a reason for it.



Do you know what's nice? Friends that understand how things are, and have very similar thought process's as you. Friends that you can talk about girls, and they understand where your coming from and visa versa. Friends like that are pretty awesome, and I'm glad I have one like Calvin. He helped me feel better, or better understand, the way things are, and just so you all know, he is pretty fantastic.


That is all.

The eyes of confusion

So, this is going to be a very... interesting (?) post. More of a rant really.



Random spaces to make it so what I'm going to say, which could be found offensive, isn't the first thing you see

































You know what is very annoying? Awesome girls. I mean, honestly, could you stop being so awesome all the time? That way guys (like me) don't have as many things to worry about. Stop messing with our heads and hearts (intentionally or unintentionally) and let us have a respite. Please? Like, really, pretty please with a inch-thick layer of chocolate on top?


Anyways, life is pretty confusing. Understandably, because if someone understood it, they would have written a 'How To' guide and made millions. But, I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure who I am, and I'm not sure if I want to find out. I just need to make my decision, and go 'the whole hog' as Huck would say.





I wish I didn't worry so much about what other people think of me. In all honesty, it doesn't really matter, and I need to get over my fear and stop worrying about it. Gosh darn it, why I'm I so dumb?


I feel like I'm stuck in a swamp of self-pity, and, I need to stop looking at the lights, and the dead bodies, and follow Gollum on the paths that are safe. (refer to Lord of the Rings the Twin Towers)

I really don't know what I'm saying... I'm kinda just prolonging the inevitability of me getting off and doing dishes, and posting this.

You know what is awesome? Awesome friends. Somehow I got stuck with friends that actually care. How that happened, I have no idea, but, I won't complain about my luck. Speaking of luck, I try not to trust in it, because I seem to have bad luck, and I'd rather not rely on that too much, right?

Well, that's about all I can really say, and I'm lucky I said this much (:P), but, I guess that's it.

If you made it to the end, I think you deserve a gold star. So now go do something with your life, don't stick stuff in peoples ears (because, at least for me, I know I don't have signs on them saying "Insert something of your choice here!"), and if you're working on a story, go write it instead of reading about my crap :)



































But, if you read this far, you are either a stalker, or a pretty good friend, or a stranger. I'm just going to assume the second, so, I'm ignoring the other two. So, thanks being a good friend, I really do appreciate it, even if I may not show it (which I am sorry about).

I guess that's all the time I can waste now, so, until next time my avid readers, ado. (That's funny because I don't have any avid readers :) haha)

Friek

I don't know what to think anymore. I tired of life, and I just want to give on, and float along through the water, letting the tide carry my body to shore. I wish that I actually felt needed, instead of being just a burden of depression. I just want to understand myself...

I fear this may be a pivotal time in my life, right now, and there is no easy roads. (To roughly paraphrase a quote from Inheritance ). No matter what I do, I fear, it will have repercussions through the rest of my life. I really just need an outlet, and I don't have one.

Life is just freaking hectic, and like I said, I just want to give up.

Friek