Sweethearts

So, yesterday was Sweethearts. It was pretty fun overall. I got to go with one of the coolest girls I know, Kara Winter. I enjoyed it overall. First thing we did was go to Subway for lunch. the food was pretty good, and so that was good.

After Subway we went to the Olympic Oval for ice skating. This was technically my first time ice skating, so it wasn't too great. I fell down pretty hard about forty-ish minutes into it, which ended up causing me to have a headache and to feel kinda dizzy for the rest of the time at the rink. I feel bad though for Kara, and the rest of my group because of me being dumb.

After ice skating we went to a nearby Walmart for a scavenger hunt. That was pretty fun, and Kara and I ended up winning the scavenger hunt, so that made it better :)

(Something we both wanted- toothbrushes :) haha. I also chose this picture to show you my beautiful date :) haha)

After the scavenger hunt we went back to our houses to get ready for the dance. Then once we were all ready we went to Natalie Eddington's house for dinner. We had noodles with a chicken sauce. It was quite delicious :) Afterwards we took some pictures at Natalie's house, then we went to the dance. We got pictures and stuff and then danced. It was alright, but I'm not much of a dancer so, yeah. But it was still fun, and I got to dance with Kara, which was pretty great too. :)

After the dance we went to Kara's house for ice cream, though it ended up being not many people really ate ice cream. We sat around in Kara's basement for a while talking, and then we watched about half of Lion King. That night though was the worst part of the date though. I think Kara either ended up having enough of my dumbness, or I did something to make her mad at me, or something else, but I don't know. But she kinda ended up avoiding me for the rest of the night it seemed. I also was feeling really dumb last night, so I don't know. But I blamed myself last night for her avoiding me, and so I wasn't in the greatest of moods last night. Now I don't know who I blame, but whatever. My only hope is that she doesn't end up hating me because I'm really dumb and lame.

I got home about midnight, and I still wasn't in the greatest of moods and I was really tired. So, I went to bed. But, since I was really mad at myself for being really dumb, I ended up crying a little bit before I went to sleep. Yeah, I cried. Big woop, get over it. But, it's too bad, because crying doesn't really seem to help me feel better anymore, like it did when I cried in like November, the night after Eva's farewell. But it was for completely unrelated reasons, having nothing to do with Eva leaving on a mission, I promise. I was more a build up of stress, anger, and all my other emotions that I keep to myself and I ended up cracking. I felt better for a few days, or weeks or so, after wards. Last time I cried was the 30 of January. That was a hard night before I went to sleep. The reason I was so upset? Because I was trying to gain some self-esteem and I was trying to be able to be comfortable and happy with myself. Pretty sad, huh? Yeah, crying that night didn't really help me feel any better, so the rest of that week was pretty long, and the first couple of days weren't the best. Crying last night didn't really help me feel any better either, so I'm still kinda in that sad/angry at myself emotion thing right now. Plus I'm still really tired, so that doesn't help. But you know what? Whatever. I'm just a big baby and I need to stop hiding my emotions.

I really wish I was able to speak my mind more often. I've just held back my opinions for so long, I have extreme difficulty sharing them now. I also wish I was able to talk easier. I spent most of middle school alone, and without friends really, and so I didn't really talk. And that's made it so I have trouble talking to anyone now. I also wish I had an easier time sharing my emotions. I hate feeling like a burden, and I'm scared of getting hurt. So I hide my emotions, and pretend not to care. I lie to others when they ask me how I am half the time, and I lie to myself. I just really wish I could express myself better. I don't know. I know that if I do get better, I'll go back to having my emotions 'on my sleeve' so to say.

But whatever. You know that feeling when your stuck with someone you don't like to much, sometimes bordering on hate, sometimes hate, and sometimes bordering closer to like? But what you think of them fluctuates? Yeah, I have that feeling every day. And there are many times when it's hate. But you know what? Whatever. I'll make it through this. And if I don't get over my self-esteem issues, then I guess it means I was never meant to.

I also wish I could care about things more. And just let myself be myself. The saddest thing I think is that I don't really know who I am, and I doubt anyone else does either.

One of my biggest fears is of being alone. And guess what, if my life continues the way it is, I'm going to end up being alone. Because I'm an idiot. And it scares me to no end. I really am nervous about it, but there's nothing I can really do to change it, with out changing who I am. And I'm trying, but it is quite difficult.

So this was my Sweethearts date turned into ranting. :P Whatever. But writing this helped, so, that's good, right? Yeah, alright. So I guess I'm done with this post now so yay. I'll be surprised though if anybody reads this, but whatever. I wrote this for no one to read so I could be more honest with myself. So, there you have it.